Bertha Tackles Black Friday….

Yes it is that time of year again, the time when humans, politicos and sheep dare to shop on Black Friday. Of course we know sheep shop for different things, but the struggle to maintain one’s grasp on a popular item is no different from what politicos deal with.

Bertha is sporting her shopping attire. That is, one sturdy pair of tennis shoes with steel toes, as if she needed them. She has a jacket designed to protect from those who might try to deflate her implants, front and back, has super glued her wig onto her head to avoid a weave war. Then there are the gloves, she is wearing leather over her hooves to give that firm grip needed to grab that bike pump used for titty inflation. In short, she is ready to tackle anyone and anything. Puppy is a little safer as his only desire is to grab the latest melons, squash, bleach bottles, carrots, and cigars. He just wants to sneak in, grab them and run.

Politicos are not as prepared as sheep. They have tax plans on the table, with the usual swing your partner routine. We know who will grab for the turkey, but who will want the green jello? Nobody wants the jello and it just ends up in a soupy mess, at the end of the table. If they expect all of their members to go after the turkey, will they also accept the jello? Will they be forced to accept the canned yams, or will they scrap the entire mess and get a pizza? Congress will probably accept the entire buffet, but then have to sell the rest to the senate, who have already said, they want neither. They want raccoon.

The public will be less fortunate. They will be left with the dregs, having to make do with the jello, the canned yams, and god forbid that sticky, slimy, orange stuff nobody recognizes. Yes we are talking taxes. Humans who are wealthy will get the cream of the crop, while the middle class will have to bend over, ask for how long and far, and accept the lack of deductions they may file. Poor humans will just get reamed, have to take it at both ends, without the ability to say “NO” to the Jello.

So, to help with the agony of the entire tax debacle, humans put themselves thru the unthinkable. Black Friday has become the Novocaine that helps take the sting out of daily events of Trump. Bertha is ready with her flack jacket to take on anyone who fights her for the tushy cream, bike pump, wigs, implants that others will fight to the death to obtain. They have never had to go up against Bertha, as she is willing to use all means to get the others to let go. This includes flaunting them, mooning anyone who gets in front of her, biting, and if necessary, giving a good, swift, kick in the toucas.

Puppy is along for the ride, and is not willing to share his produce with anyone. The idea of having someone else grab his squash is just unthinkable, even for the little guy. If “Melons” gets in the way, he will just go for a ride, slap them silly and need a cigar for later. He knows if she tries to report it, she is incapable of giving the police a straight answer, will drive them crazy with her half-baked responses, and end up groped and alone.

So Bertha wants to know, is it worth the grabbing, groping, biting and kicking? You bet. Those bargain items can’t be found anywhere else, or can they? Can two totally different political sides offer the same item, one that is better for the masses than the other? If Trump tries to intercede, will he end up with the Jello, or become the holiday rogue Turkey nobody wants. Bertha thinks the idea of trying to offer a buffet before the holidays without the benefit of compromise is uncouth. Whether its tax plans, healthcare, toucas or titty inflation, there has to be something for everyone.

Of course we will hear of the fights, biting, mooning, shot-gun wars, and that is just with Bertha. The walk outs will be many, the hisses and middle fingers will be seen, heard and nobody will get what they want, but end up with what they need. With all Black Friday wars, we know nobody comes out alive.



Time For Santa’s Naughty List…..

Bertha and puppy have made their lists for Santa. Bertha wants new implants, a nice wax, tushy implants, new eye lashes, a nice tan, and a tan. Puppy would like new carrots as his have been romped to death, some new melons, squash, water melons, cigars, and one of those cute, white, Cuban, suits. They know they are not on Santa’s naughty list, even though puppy did get caught with the bleach bottle on his last flight to Miami. Bertha squeaked by the TSA when she dared go nude beneath her trench coat. If it hadn’t been for the little guy who slipped thru and onto a luggage carousel, she would have been nabbed for sure.

But there are those who won’t be getting such nice gifts this year and have been placed on Santa’s Naughty List.

Must we say it? Yes Donald you top the head of the list. Once again you have proven to the masses you are not one of us. To say you have done the cha-cha with China is an understatement. Oy, to think you were so close at just behaving like a putz, and now are beyond Putz. You are now seen as public enema number one. Selling out the American people, letting China once again rape your people, steal their manufacturing jobs, gloating about your golf courses, while POTUS? NO Homey, you won’t be getting a nice gift this year. You may get the gift that keeps on giving, like investigations, indictments, the night sweats, watching your staffers turn on you and abandon ship. But Santa has placed you at the top of his naughty list.

There is also the little matter of how you behaved with Puerto Rico and it’s citizens. For shame! Mocking them and their poverty, mayor who has been begging for help? That gets you a bag of snarf and years supply of douche of the year. Should we even go into the lying? The mood swings, schitzo behavior, grandiose attitude? There is medication for that. It is a gift that keeps on giving as well. Its called a suppository.

The House republicans who wanted to steal the healthcare of the American people. Yes, you know who you are. Even your own didn’t think it was nice to go after the elves or those in Santa’s nursing homes, living in poverty, in dire need of healthcare. For shame. The idea that humans would have to end up in the streets, sick, dying, kids would have to suffer or die because your need to be in charge came first. The HORROR. Now you want to attack the middle class with your tax cuts for the rich, and allow millions to suffer, losing medicare, Medicaid, food stamps? No Santa isn’t going to look kindly on you. The elves have left reindeer droppings in your stockings.

NRA? Don’t get us started. You are also on the Douche of the Year list, for wanting to block further background checks on those who purchase guns. Let’s just see how this looks shall we? A mass attack on innocent people at a hillbilly hoedown, and nobody bothered to stop the guy with the gun bags with rounds of ammo? What part of that should have been a RED FLAG didn’t you understand? The attack at the church, killing all of the parishioners? Hello, the guy had a dishonorable discharge, not to be confused with that nasty yeast kind, mental illness and had voiced going after his mother in law? Um, guys, we don’t think you will be getting any help from the senate this time. Reindeer? One bag of reindeer droppings please!

The Trump family started with someone clearly farting, now they are all recalling, their connections to the Prague. Not so neat, nor sweet, but according to Mueller very clearly tweets. Trump and his kids are headed to Jail. Neat, Sweet, Very complete. Yes, your sons, son in-laws, and daughter will be sporting that house orange. It’s the new look that clearly says PRISONER, and allows tennis shoes to be its only accessory. The menu won’t be pate, but evening gruel, with that slight essence of mace. Chores will be handed out and you won’t get those appointments you had, no more cell phones, secret calls, or emails to delete.  Instead you will be greeted with guys like Butch who want to be your new special Friend. Who knows, you might even get a run in with that space cadet himself, Mr. Spacey. The gift that keeps on giving. Ivanka will be greeted with Harvey, and will have to play grope and weave, but she is already used to that with papa.

Reindeer are falling on the floor and laughing their behinds off. Gifts like that just can’t be bought. You can try, but they can’t be bought on Amazon. Santa is giving the middle finger guys. He isn’t happy.

Rocket Man will have to see who gets into office before launching his new toys. Santa says he won’t let guys like that play in any reindeer games. Something about cheating we think. Either that or they just can’t reach. Either way, no egg nog for them.

Of course there are the smaller of the group, those who are just frost-bitten, whom we are going to try to give the benefit of the doubt. Why else would they defend the indefensible? Melons says she isn’t going to roll over on Donald. No sweetie, we know you already have. And that thing who is running the house? Just take the stick out and Santa will be satisfied.

So what does Santa say about the last year? Bah Humbug!! Those who still insist Mr. Wonderful is perfect will get the house reindeer droppings, and perhaps some ex lax. The rest of us will get peace and prosperity, a nice Chablis, and the last laugh.

HOE, HOE, HOE? Well if we are to believe Trump he wasn’t having any. Donald your dangling participles are showing. Mueller knows better. Santa is winking.

Trump’s Sheep are Circling the Drain…

If this was a doctor watching a patient getting worse, he would claim that patient is circling the drain. Bertha made the same observation, Trump’s sheep are circling the drain. Bertha knows when one sheep is caught, oy, it’s only a matter of time before the others start to sing.

Puppy says the best way to get a guy to sing is to offer up a bleach bottle, set of melons, a giant watermelon, and carrots. The victim will try to reach for one, but get refused until he is begging to shag the bottle, carrots, watermelon, and grope the melons. No guy to date has ever been able to refuse any of the above. Sheep have studied humans, we know how you think, and act. Trust us, they will be singing in the throes of passion.

Should Trump worry? Bertha says not only should he worry, but anyone whom he gave campaign money to, in efforts to gain their political support should be crying. Oh how the mighty have fallen into the cess pool of the damned. Nobody, not even his wife, dog will be standing by him after this. We think the dog will go first, then his wife, but only after doing her swan song. Puppy says his dog is disgusted, refuses to let trump near him, and growls when he tries to grope him. No, that is Melania Puppy.

So, the question sheep want to know is just what will his sheep say? Puppy thinks they will out him. Yep, his ties to the KKK, his robes, those late night meetings with David Duke. Guess old George is looking pretty good about now eh? Now, sheep said George, not Cheney. We jest. Oy, Donald must be wearing depends about now. No telling what kind of deal Manafort cut with Mueller.

Trump can’t possibly offer immunity to his family nor himself or Pence. To do so is to admit he is into the bleach bottle. Sorry guys, but looks like he will throw you all to the wolves. Now, he could wag the dog, begin a war and try to claim he has to remain while we are at war with China. Only problem with that, is the charges will continue and be waiting until he gets the war settled. Fido isn’t going away Donald. You screwed the pooch.

Puppy is scowling, sorry puppy we didn’t mean you. But when trump lies down with dogs he picks up fleas. Damn, again, that was Melania.  No amount of faux news, nor media darlings can spin this one. Sarah, it’s time to bail before you are his next victim. He is trying to use Hillary as a wag the dog. Nice try, the old girl isn’t taking the bait and nor is Mueller.

Trump’s Beverly Hillbillies will claim it’s a witch hunt. They will defend him even if he is caught groping actresses, or the bleach bottle. Oops, he already did that didn’t he? He could claim he was drunk and can’t remember. Sorry, Kevin already used that excuse. The clock is ticking. The sheep will sing, some will got to jail, others might get immunity. Trump your taxes are hanging out, as is the paper trail.

Bertha is shaking her head. Not only does he have dangling participles, he has bad breath. His toupee is starting to show stress, which are all signs of a man who can’t get it out. He is stuck. Putin says don’t look at me I am not touching that thing as far as I can throw it. Oy!

So what will Fido do next? If he is like any other pit bull, he will look at the chew toys he has lined up, decide which will make the best snack, and drag out the best of them. From there, it’s on. Donald, RUN. NO tweeting, just RUN. Sheep have seen pit bulls like this before. Grab your participles and GO. Time is running out. Now, you could fall on your sword, (ouch, but it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy….NOT ! Or be the incompetent the world knows you are and cry foul. Either way, your balls are the chew toy and Fido won’t let up until he has you.



Bringing Back The Patriot Act….

Bertha is seething. Apparently someone didn’t get the memo that you cannot spy on human beings. After dealing with Bush, Cheney, Obama, now Trump, you would think spying would be passé. Apparently someone is on a witch hunt to see who is bad mouthing him. Um gee Homey, get a clue. Ya think people are bad mouthing you?

We know he already hates blacks, poor whites, anyone who is not Lily white, rich, nor a member of the KKK. But to choose to spy on humans just to see who dislikes him? How old is this guy? Is this high school revisited, did he get thrown into a locker or given a wedgie, have his panties flown up a flag pole in grade school? Bertha knows all about that. Back at the pen she had to deal with sheep who liked to humiliate her. The woman got her revenge. Freezing someone’s jock strap in the freezer was only the beginning. The woman knew how to replace mint jelly for Preparation H . Yeah, not the thing ya want after getting em lopped off. Oy the Horror. !

So why does this guy think he has to spy on us? Is this really a means to smoke out sheep? We know he is spying on North Korea, he tweeted as much, really the wrong thing to do when you are looking at a maniac with a nuke. Sure, piss him off a little more and maybe he will show you his before you show him yours. Yeah, we know, sheep speak. Then he decided to try to play hide the salami with a law that prevents humans from suing corporations.

What makes sheep laugh is how he is trying to say he is literate. Yeah, that is like trying to say he knows about that little law that could get him tossed out on his tushy before he can tweet. Apparently, he didn’t. He does now. yeah, they can toss him even if mentally or physically he isn’t incapacitated. Sheep like that law. His own can turn on him boy if that isn’t the sheep calling the kettle black.

We could spy on him. Now that would be original. Sheep could use the very tools that were used as part of the patriot act, and spy on our constipator in chief. Puppy likes that, he is  snickering. How should we do this, with a back door worm? Attach a worm to his twitter account. What might we find, do we really want to know? Humans are not interesting, which is why we don’t understand why he wants to spy on you.

Spying on the little rascals, we can see that. They do have Skippy running the show, and they have those lovely people who want to do away with anyone who isn’t crazy. But not everyone is willing to stand by Homer as he mistreats the public. They have gone beyond abandoning the ship. Now, its become an all out rush to see who can get out before the public takes them down with him.

For shame Homer, spying is really tacky. He could be getting a healthcare bill for everyone in need, or offering more tax breaks to families and singles. But instead he wants to spy on people. So the guy likes to watch. Ok perv, we know your kind. Is he into spanking too? Handcuffs? Tie him up, Tie him down? Puppy says yup, he has seen it before. George is saying, no, you have me confused with Cheney.

Spying, natures way of saying, you are a loser.

Bertha Hates Cover Ups….

Bertha knows a cover up when she sees it, has even participated in a few. The incident with the bleach bottle and the senator’s grandson? Yeah, She felt sorry for the little guy and chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. But we know there are others who have also had to do this on job questionnaires. Bertha responded to a few.

What was her last job? Bertha was a reporter.

Does she have any strange proclivities? Define Strange.

Is she a whistleblower? Ya mean will she blow the whistle on those who are into shagging produce?

Does she have any skills? Define skills. Bertha knows how to flaunt  em like the best, studied Mata Hari for ideas.

Would she out any candidate who was into weird things? Of course, especially if they refused to answer questions about their affairs, mistresses, romps with produce, the bleach bottle, mop.

Yeah, the old girl could do a tell all about people she has known, incidents she witnessed, women who came crying to her about their senator boyfriends. But there is a difference. She won’t just randomly out anyone unless they have black mailed her. Then the claws come out, the red gloves go on, and she goes into full Bertha mode. Then its on. This is why she hates people who lie, tell stupid lies and then call it fake news. Donald, your toupee needs work.

She applauds guys like Assange, Snowdon who have taken truth-telling to new heights. And of course she is gaga over George Clooney.  She applauds Marshall Mathers as well. That boy knows how to make her smile. But its Puppy who really knows how to get liars to confess. He dangles produce before the unwitting party and before you know it, the poor sap is moaning and groaning. Puppy pulls out his squash, some melons and the sap is just begging to shag them. He even has witnessed the senator who insisted he be given a crudité platter before session. Funny how nobody got to sample his goods. Come on, we know who was romping those carrots.

So how should she approach Donald? Produce is a possibility, and we know he likes it rough and tough, so bovines are in the offing. He can’t resist melons, and groping is in his line of women. Kelly Anne and Michelle could be his next victims. Going full frontal is out as he won’t grope anything that is transgender, but perhaps Bertha can pull it out and off. Yeah, we went there. Donald, you don’t drink, but who said it can’t be placed in pastry? Bertha plans to get to the bottom of his lies.

That rogue senator can tell you that dame could get a dog to talk. Puppy is giving the evil eye. No puppy, not you. We are referring to his Irish Setter, the one who gets confused with his wife. Puppy offered her a carrot and oy the language that came out of her mouth. Harvey, we did that one for you. A darkened wine cellar, a carrot, sound familiar Donald? Er we mean Harv?

Yes, Bertha hates those who cover up, even though there are times things happen and ya need to. But she won’ t let him off the hook on the death of military. No way. If it takes lambscaping after dark, melons, carrots, she will use what is needed to get that donkey to screech. From there she will feed it to Julien, and well, you get the picture. Make no mistake, if it comes to uncovering the obvious, Bertha is on it, behind it, using it, riding it, oops, did we go too far?


Bertha Wants Answers Folks…..

While everyone is so busy talking about the president’s handling of his call to the widow of the soldier killed in Niger, you’re all missing the important part of that story…the part about what happened that night in Niger.

The story that is emerging is so much worse than anything that happened in Benghazi, but the same GOP Congress that investigated Benghazi with a fury seems to have little or no interest in this story.

Here’s what we know so far…

These soldiers went to a meeting in an area near the border with Mali. This is a well known hot spot for ISIS activity.

Our soldiers were not backed up by US Military air support. No, they were backed up by the French, who were not authorized to intervene or even fire a shot.

Our soldiers did not have armored vehicles. They traveled in pickup trucks.

Our soldiers were given faulty intel that said “it was unlikely that they would meet any hostile forces.” Of course, they walked into an ISIS ambush. It was chaotic and they took three casualties.

It took the French 30 minutes to arrive. When they did they were not authorized to help. So, a dozen of our Green Berets fought a battle with more than 50 Isis fighters, without help, for 30 minutes.

Finally, a rescue helicopter arrived, but it was not a US military helicopter. No, we apparently outsourced that job to “private contractors.” So, these contractors landed and loaded the remaining troops, the injured and the dead.

Here’s where this gets really bad…

Because they were not military, they never did a head count. That is how Sgt. La David Johnson was left behind.

That’s right…they left him behind.

According to the Pentagon, his locator beacon was activated on the battlefield, which indicates that he was alive when they left him there.

They recovered his body 48 hours later but are refusing to say where. According to his widow, she was told that she could not have an open casket funeral. This indicates that he was mutilated after being left behind on the battlefield.

This is what led to the nonsense we’re obsessing over. This is the real story. As usual, you’re allowing it to be about Trump’s distraction, but this is Benghazi on steroids.

The Trump Pentagon gave these men bad intel, no support, outsourced rescue people and then tried for more than a week to pretend it never happened. In that time, Trump spoke on many occasions and never mentioned it. He tweeted attacks on many but never mentioned these men. Only after pressure from the media has he bothered to even acknowledge these men and their service.

Ok, that was not satire but taken from a report on the Rachel Maddow Show on cable. Bertha knows this is not the first of its kind, nor will it be the last. Clearly it shows a cover up of massive proportions and the public has a right to know about it. Like it or not Sheeprants, while a satire blog, also refuses to partake in cover ups when it involves our soldiers or their families.

Sheeprants further knows like Benghazi, Camp Falcon, and others, this isn’t the first time a president covered up what should be national news and international news. We firmly believe in the first amendment and know our rights as bloggers cannot be silenced.

Bertha came across this data this am and knew it had to go rogue and public. Trump can try to silence us, call it fake news, lies, or even that we are anti-American. Nice try, sheep refuse to be silenced. This should be grounds for impeachment on multiple levels. Those of us at this blog are committed to the families of our military, and feel it is your right to get answers, not double talk.

Bertha demands answers, not fluff or garbage, but facts. The public and world deserves the truth. We are not going to walk away from this one until we get them. This isn’t fake news, this is an out-and-out cover up that needs exposure.


Bertha Addresses Sarah Huckabee….

No Vagina, Americans won’t be wishing for another 7 years of Donald Trump. Trump has not displayed the sort of presidential behaviors humans have come to expect from a POTUS. Bertha has made an extensive laundry list of reasons why this won’t ever happen.

Trump cannot separate church and state. He combines and panders to those excluding those who disagree with their stand on the issues. He has used them like a Stradivarius in a brothel.

Trump refuses to denounce his ties and support of the KKK and neo Nazi groups, calling them good people. I think if you were to speak to many in the black community, or Jewish communities, or any other ethnic group, they would have a few choice words for him.

Trump is not a leader. He cannot handle crisis without pissing off world leaders, or his own people, those in crisis such as Maria, who are in dire need of aid. It isn’t just one person who detests this guy, it’s the entire world. San Juan, our apologies, most Americans don’t feel as Trump does, nor does he speak for sheep.

Twittering instead of dealing with issues in private? While its ok once in a while to give a high-five to a team or person who has excelled, Trump cannot understand why its inappropriate to use Twitter to discuss defense strategies. That is like giving the groomers permission to lamscape and lop them off. We don’t think so.

Supporting the manhandling of women in inappropriate ways in public is just in bad form. Bertha likes to be groped as much as the rest of them, but there is a time and place, and gentlemen don’t kiss and tell and high-five discussing their locker room antics to the media. Donald, get a broom handle, a bleach bottle, hell a melon we don’t care, just leave little girls alone.

Robbing innocent people of their wages, health insurance, and tax breaks is like breaking wind in their faces. Ya just don’t go there. In case you have not noticed, humans need living wages, health care for all that is all-inclusive, not anything that is predetermined by a group of back woods hypocrites like Kimberly in Kentucky.

Going after war veterans, their families, those who lost loved ones, referring to them as if they lost the family pet? Seriously? Is he sucking on the crack pipe again? NO Homey, you can’t do that. These are humans who gave their lives, whose families lost sons, daughters, kids, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews. You spit in their faces and expect them to be there to fight Kim Hung Too Low? Sheep don’t think so.

Spying on Americans and lying about it, but refusing to admit you allowed china and Russia to spy on us, tampering with elections for personal and political gains is beyond evil, its illegal. Don’t go after our girl Hillary when you have gone beyond illegal. Where is judge Judy when we need her?

Do we need to discuss his stand on assault weapons and the NRA? Really? Enough said.

His mistreatment of gay and transgenders and his clearly obnoxious comments against them goes beyond bad taste. It is cruel, shows no amount of education, nor compassion for them or their families. They are not a mistake, nor should they be treated like misfits. They are part of this crazy quilt we call America, which gives it texture, flavor and spice.

Bertha could go on, but you get the idea. No dear, Americans don’t want this turd to remain in office. He has embarrassed the people of the US, our friends who came in wanting a better life, placing us in jeopardy of extinction. Even George who was his own means of comedy, was not nearly the embarrassment.

Rebuttal would be nice. We welcome the feedback.