Bertha’s Adventures With Black Friday….

Bertha has been around the block long enough to know at some point she has to avoid Black Friday. Still the thrill of the hunt keeps luring her in, just as the lunatics are in the head of Donald Trump. On the night before the BIG EVENT, she prepared her strategy to get in, get the targeted items and get out without too much biting and weave wars. The best plans of mice and sheep.

The first event occurred as she was attempting to purchase Preparation H. You would think this would be a safe item, but given the many women and men who use it for bags? NO. The yelling and screaming and grabbing for the last tube became one for the books. Yells of ” I need it for my toucas!” and ” It is cheaper than another night with Donald.” These could be heard around the store. Bertha dove in, biting her way thru, getting kicked in the teeth by Melania, Ivanka, and Ivana. The weave war was on. Bertha flashed them, then the others flashed back. It became a war of the boobies.

Ultimately Bertha won out, much to the disgust of the other women. Then came the search for wax kits. Sure enough the same dames showed up and once again it was off to the races. Bertha needed a full on wax, while Ivana and Melania needed just a stache job. But there were men who were into lambscaping and wanted it for the issues down below. Yells and screams were loud and pronounced, but Bertha came out with it in her teeth.

You would think by this point she would just go to Amazon or Ebay and avoid such confrontations. Sheep are not good with typing. Their hooves and nails get in the way. This is further proof we have not yet evolved, but are still living in Donald’s dark ages. The Issues of fighting over clothes, shoes, and make up didn’t thrill her. This dame wants the items so obscure, only first ladies can relate to. Valium to get thru the long nights, and pompous eves with guys who drag them into dinners. Prozac to get thru the long-winded lies of their mates. “Sure honey, I was just having them assassinated because they didn’t like me.” How many times have we heard that one? Oy! Or our favorite: ” It wasn’t me, it was Cheney.” Yeah, tell Bertha et all another.

Bertha is a simple gal with fabulous taste, and knows when it is time to flaunt them to get what she needs. In the boudoir aisle, were the sheets. Bertha can’t sleep on silk or sating as she keeps falling off. So the war of the sheets was on. Swiping at Ivana for the 400 thread count was something she had only dreamed of. Swiping at Ivanna at all was the real dream, but the sheets were the icing on the cake. Bertha was heard yelling at Ivanna; ” Shouldn’t you be going for the bleach? The carpet should match the drapes?’ This time Ivanna won out, and Bertha had to settle for fake silk, not quite as slippery as the real thing.

Now for the coute de tat, the aisle with the bike pumps. Bertha relies on a good bike pump to keep her implants in place, and her toucas from going flat and swinging sideways. For some sick reason, puppy was in there, having a dance of the eyes with Bertha. Puppy was into a lot of weird stuff, but this was a first. Was he at that age where he needed a little help, or was he just in it for the ride? Either way Bertha wasn’t giving in. Puppy had to settle for the large bleach bottles instead. Apparently Donald has this issue too. Hmm, so that is where he disappears to.

The produce was next to be assaulted and both Bertha and Puppy went for it. Hey, a sheep has to do what a sheep has to do. So what was Melania there for? Was she into groping? Nah, that was Donald. Carrots? That was what Donald wasn’t there for, so it’s a possibility. No, and she was into gluten-free and vegan, two things Bertha avoided at all costs. Bertha pointed to the great outdoors. It is the place all vegans eventually find themselves. Buying for Donald? No he was into the shot guns and super glue. That wig has to be kept on at all costs, or risk him and his balding head revealed. Our Eyes!

Bertha emerged with her new bike pump, tassels for her ta ta’s, Preparation H for her toucas, and wax for fur jobs. raw knuckles from assaulting those who got in her way. Nothing comes between a sheep and it’s naughtys. Though slightly leaving with a limp, Melania came out with her items, Ivana without her bleach, and Ivanka without a harness. At her age as we dames all know, something has to keep em up. All cursing Next year they go Amazon.

What did the men in the house go for? They are still hoping for that healthcare bill, tax bill, impeachment, and good attorney’s. Keep waiting, at least two of them will come true.





What Really Goes Down at the North Pole….

Bertha is preparing for Christmas. She has her stockings hung, her tree is up, (minds out of the gutter), and her lights lit. She has been preparing treats for Santa, and has included whips and chains for those gotta have them moments. Puppy has made his list, has his stocking up, (Again, mind out of the gutter), and is leaving out produce for Santa, and goodies for the reindeer. But what you may wonder is going on at the North Pole?

Santa has been getting reports of angry reindeer who refuse to play in reindeer games. They won’t give a tell all to Wikki leaks, allow CNN nor Access Hollyweed to do a tell all. Instead they have been seen making obscene gestures when the words Trump come up. Sacks of reindeer droppings have been seen getting placed in smaller sacks. We think we know who will be the recipients of those. Grunts and groans have been heard coming from santa’s workshop, leading sheep to think something wild is going on under the radar. The sleigh has been equipped with anti racism tracking, so we know Santa won’t be offering guns and ammo to the likes of the David Duke Crowd, nor the KKK.

Mrs. Claus has been preparing Santa a flack jacket to wear under his red suit in case he is mistaken for a North Korean Missile, that Donald says to take out. In fact the latest in anti missile weaponry includes bullet proof glass and parachutes in case the little fat man decides to use Santa as target practice. The reindeer are not thrilled to have to fly over Guam, have made out their wills, and gotten their affairs in order.

No this isn’t the usual happy-go-lucky group we have seen in the past. But then, we didn’t have Donald Trump in office before either. Now Santa has to worry will he be mistaken for an undocumented and sent back? The reindeer have to worry if they must make a pit stop will they be target practice for the NRA? Santa is keeping track of the political scene in DC, and knows who has been a good doobie and who has not.

The naughty list has grown by leaps and bounds, and those getting reindeer droppings has increased. No longer is it bad little boys or girls, instead it is those who choose to be bigots and assault and harass the LGBTQ groups, blacks and anyone who has a name of Irv. Mrs Claus has been preparing special batches of her brownies to be dropped in those chimney’s and is having a hard time keeping the reindeer and Santa away from them. Nothing like the gifts that keep on giving.

Wild parties and orgies have been reported as Rudolph wanted to get his groove on before take off. It isn’t clear who was the lucky recipient, but we know someone is in for a shock when its delivery time. Bertha thinks Hillary knows who the daddy is, but isn’t telling. Reports coming out of Russia have Bill as one in the running. Puppy thinks its Donald and Ivanka. Lucy you have some splaining to do.

So what does Santa plan to do with those caught with their pants down? Will he bring them tax deductions, or indictments? Puppy is betting on the latter. Those caught hitting on children and young women will get spankings, but not from the ladies, from guys named Butch. Prison orange and gray have been ordered for those on the naughty list, and vacations to the Caribbean have been cancelled. Instead, they will be house bound and forced to watch Dancing with the Stars. Santa thinks that is punishment enough.

Will Santa have his usual cookies and hot chocolate on his flight? If Mrs. Claus does not lose her food stamps, anything is possible. Reindeer will have to be given gluten-free oats which is making them very cranky. They plan to stash and carry, and Puppy isn’t telling. Though it is only a month away, nobody is taking any chances, and things are subject to change. Sheep will keep you posted.

For now, sheep want all of you to enjoy the holidays, don’t over spend, and remember, they are just things. You can’t shag them, and you cannot romp them.


Bertha Tackles Black Friday….

Yes it is that time of year again, the time when humans, politicos and sheep dare to shop on Black Friday. Of course we know sheep shop for different things, but the struggle to maintain one’s grasp on a popular item is no different from what politicos deal with.

Bertha is sporting her shopping attire. That is, one sturdy pair of tennis shoes with steel toes, as if she needed them. She has a jacket designed to protect from those who might try to deflate her implants, front and back, has super glued her wig onto her head to avoid a weave war. Then there are the gloves, she is wearing leather over her hooves to give that firm grip needed to grab that bike pump used for titty inflation. In short, she is ready to tackle anyone and anything. Puppy is a little safer as his only desire is to grab the latest melons, squash, bleach bottles, carrots, and cigars. He just wants to sneak in, grab them and run.

Politicos are not as prepared as sheep. They have tax plans on the table, with the usual swing your partner routine. We know who will grab for the turkey, but who will want the green jello? Nobody wants the jello and it just ends up in a soupy mess, at the end of the table. If they expect all of their members to go after the turkey, will they also accept the jello? Will they be forced to accept the canned yams, or will they scrap the entire mess and get a pizza? Congress will probably accept the entire buffet, but then have to sell the rest to the senate, who have already said, they want neither. They want raccoon.

The public will be less fortunate. They will be left with the dregs, having to make do with the jello, the canned yams, and god forbid that sticky, slimy, orange stuff nobody recognizes. Yes we are talking taxes. Humans who are wealthy will get the cream of the crop, while the middle class will have to bend over, ask for how long and far, and accept the lack of deductions they may file. Poor humans will just get reamed, have to take it at both ends, without the ability to say “NO” to the Jello.

So, to help with the agony of the entire tax debacle, humans put themselves thru the unthinkable. Black Friday has become the Novocaine that helps take the sting out of daily events of Trump. Bertha is ready with her flack jacket to take on anyone who fights her for the tushy cream, bike pump, wigs, implants that others will fight to the death to obtain. They have never had to go up against Bertha, as she is willing to use all means to get the others to let go. This includes flaunting them, mooning anyone who gets in front of her, biting, and if necessary, giving a good, swift, kick in the toucas.

Puppy is along for the ride, and is not willing to share his produce with anyone. The idea of having someone else grab his squash is just unthinkable, even for the little guy. If “Melons” gets in the way, he will just go for a ride, slap them silly and need a cigar for later. He knows if she tries to report it, she is incapable of giving the police a straight answer, will drive them crazy with her half-baked responses, and end up groped and alone.

So Bertha wants to know, is it worth the grabbing, groping, biting and kicking? You bet. Those bargain items can’t be found anywhere else, or can they? Can two totally different political sides offer the same item, one that is better for the masses than the other? If Trump tries to intercede, will he end up with the Jello, or become the holiday rogue Turkey nobody wants. Bertha thinks the idea of trying to offer a buffet before the holidays without the benefit of compromise is uncouth. Whether its tax plans, healthcare, toucas or titty inflation, there has to be something for everyone.

Of course we will hear of the fights, biting, mooning, shot-gun wars, and that is just with Bertha. The walk outs will be many, the hisses and middle fingers will be seen, heard and nobody will get what they want, but end up with what they need. With all Black Friday wars, we know nobody comes out alive.


Time For Santa’s Naughty List…..

Bertha and puppy have made their lists for Santa. Bertha wants new implants, a nice wax, tushy implants, new eye lashes, a nice tan, and a tan. Puppy would like new carrots as his have been romped to death, some new melons, squash, water melons, cigars, and one of those cute, white, Cuban, suits. They know they are not on Santa’s naughty list, even though puppy did get caught with the bleach bottle on his last flight to Miami. Bertha squeaked by the TSA when she dared go nude beneath her trench coat. If it hadn’t been for the little guy who slipped thru and onto a luggage carousel, she would have been nabbed for sure.

But there are those who won’t be getting such nice gifts this year and have been placed on Santa’s Naughty List.

Must we say it? Yes Donald you top the head of the list. Once again you have proven to the masses you are not one of us. To say you have done the cha-cha with China is an understatement. Oy, to think you were so close at just behaving like a putz, and now are beyond Putz. You are now seen as public enema number one. Selling out the American people, letting China once again rape your people, steal their manufacturing jobs, gloating about your golf courses, while POTUS? NO Homey, you won’t be getting a nice gift this year. You may get the gift that keeps on giving, like investigations, indictments, the night sweats, watching your staffers turn on you and abandon ship. But Santa has placed you at the top of his naughty list.

There is also the little matter of how you behaved with Puerto Rico and it’s citizens. For shame! Mocking them and their poverty, mayor who has been begging for help? That gets you a bag of snarf and years supply of douche of the year. Should we even go into the lying? The mood swings, schitzo behavior, grandiose attitude? There is medication for that. It is a gift that keeps on giving as well. Its called a suppository.

The House republicans who wanted to steal the healthcare of the American people. Yes, you know who you are. Even your own didn’t think it was nice to go after the elves or those in Santa’s nursing homes, living in poverty, in dire need of healthcare. For shame. The idea that humans would have to end up in the streets, sick, dying, kids would have to suffer or die because your need to be in charge came first. The HORROR. Now you want to attack the middle class with your tax cuts for the rich, and allow millions to suffer, losing medicare, Medicaid, food stamps? No Santa isn’t going to look kindly on you. The elves have left reindeer droppings in your stockings.

NRA? Don’t get us started. You are also on the Douche of the Year list, for wanting to block further background checks on those who purchase guns. Let’s just see how this looks shall we? A mass attack on innocent people at a hillbilly hoedown, and nobody bothered to stop the guy with the gun bags with rounds of ammo? What part of that should have been a RED FLAG didn’t you understand? The attack at the church, killing all of the parishioners? Hello, the guy had a dishonorable discharge, not to be confused with that nasty yeast kind, mental illness and had voiced going after his mother in law? Um, guys, we don’t think you will be getting any help from the senate this time. Reindeer? One bag of reindeer droppings please!

The Trump family started with someone clearly farting, now they are all recalling, their connections to the Prague. Not so neat, nor sweet, but according to Mueller very clearly tweets. Trump and his kids are headed to Jail. Neat, Sweet, Very complete. Yes, your sons, son in-laws, and daughter will be sporting that house orange. It’s the new look that clearly says PRISONER, and allows tennis shoes to be its only accessory. The menu won’t be pate, but evening gruel, with that slight essence of mace. Chores will be handed out and you won’t get those appointments you had, no more cell phones, secret calls, or emails to delete.  Instead you will be greeted with guys like Butch who want to be your new special Friend. Who knows, you might even get a run in with that space cadet himself, Mr. Spacey. The gift that keeps on giving. Ivanka will be greeted with Harvey, and will have to play grope and weave, but she is already used to that with papa.

Reindeer are falling on the floor and laughing their behinds off. Gifts like that just can’t be bought. You can try, but they can’t be bought on Amazon. Santa is giving the middle finger guys. He isn’t happy.

Rocket Man will have to see who gets into office before launching his new toys. Santa says he won’t let guys like that play in any reindeer games. Something about cheating we think. Either that or they just can’t reach. Either way, no egg nog for them.

Of course there are the smaller of the group, those who are just frost-bitten, whom we are going to try to give the benefit of the doubt. Why else would they defend the indefensible? Melons says she isn’t going to roll over on Donald. No sweetie, we know you already have. And that thing who is running the house? Just take the stick out and Santa will be satisfied.

So what does Santa say about the last year? Bah Humbug!! Those who still insist Mr. Wonderful is perfect will get the house reindeer droppings, and perhaps some ex lax. The rest of us will get peace and prosperity, a nice Chablis, and the last laugh.

HOE, HOE, HOE? Well if we are to believe Trump he wasn’t having any. Donald your dangling participles are showing. Mueller knows better. Santa is winking.

Trump’s Sheep are Circling the Drain…

If this was a doctor watching a patient getting worse, he would claim that patient is circling the drain. Bertha made the same observation, Trump’s sheep are circling the drain. Bertha knows when one sheep is caught, oy, it’s only a matter of time before the others start to sing.

Puppy says the best way to get a guy to sing is to offer up a bleach bottle, set of melons, a giant watermelon, and carrots. The victim will try to reach for one, but get refused until he is begging to shag the bottle, carrots, watermelon, and grope the melons. No guy to date has ever been able to refuse any of the above. Sheep have studied humans, we know how you think, and act. Trust us, they will be singing in the throes of passion.

Should Trump worry? Bertha says not only should he worry, but anyone whom he gave campaign money to, in efforts to gain their political support should be crying. Oh how the mighty have fallen into the cess pool of the damned. Nobody, not even his wife, dog will be standing by him after this. We think the dog will go first, then his wife, but only after doing her swan song. Puppy says his dog is disgusted, refuses to let trump near him, and growls when he tries to grope him. No, that is Melania Puppy.

So, the question sheep want to know is just what will his sheep say? Puppy thinks they will out him. Yep, his ties to the KKK, his robes, those late night meetings with David Duke. Guess old George is looking pretty good about now eh? Now, sheep said George, not Cheney. We jest. Oy, Donald must be wearing depends about now. No telling what kind of deal Manafort cut with Mueller.

Trump can’t possibly offer immunity to his family nor himself or Pence. To do so is to admit he is into the bleach bottle. Sorry guys, but looks like he will throw you all to the wolves. Now, he could wag the dog, begin a war and try to claim he has to remain while we are at war with China. Only problem with that, is the charges will continue and be waiting until he gets the war settled. Fido isn’t going away Donald. You screwed the pooch.

Puppy is scowling, sorry puppy we didn’t mean you. But when trump lies down with dogs he picks up fleas. Damn, again, that was Melania.  No amount of faux news, nor media darlings can spin this one. Sarah, it’s time to bail before you are his next victim. He is trying to use Hillary as a wag the dog. Nice try, the old girl isn’t taking the bait and nor is Mueller.

Trump’s Beverly Hillbillies will claim it’s a witch hunt. They will defend him even if he is caught groping actresses, or the bleach bottle. Oops, he already did that didn’t he? He could claim he was drunk and can’t remember. Sorry, Kevin already used that excuse. The clock is ticking. The sheep will sing, some will got to jail, others might get immunity. Trump your taxes are hanging out, as is the paper trail.

Bertha is shaking her head. Not only does he have dangling participles, he has bad breath. His toupee is starting to show stress, which are all signs of a man who can’t get it out. He is stuck. Putin says don’t look at me I am not touching that thing as far as I can throw it. Oy!

So what will Fido do next? If he is like any other pit bull, he will look at the chew toys he has lined up, decide which will make the best snack, and drag out the best of them. From there, it’s on. Donald, RUN. NO tweeting, just RUN. Sheep have seen pit bulls like this before. Grab your participles and GO. Time is running out. Now, you could fall on your sword, (ouch, but it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy….NOT ! Or be the incompetent the world knows you are and cry foul. Either way, your balls are the chew toy and Fido won’t let up until he has you.



Bringing Back The Patriot Act….

Bertha is seething. Apparently someone didn’t get the memo that you cannot spy on human beings. After dealing with Bush, Cheney, Obama, now Trump, you would think spying would be passé. Apparently someone is on a witch hunt to see who is bad mouthing him. Um gee Homey, get a clue. Ya think people are bad mouthing you?

We know he already hates blacks, poor whites, anyone who is not Lily white, rich, nor a member of the KKK. But to choose to spy on humans just to see who dislikes him? How old is this guy? Is this high school revisited, did he get thrown into a locker or given a wedgie, have his panties flown up a flag pole in grade school? Bertha knows all about that. Back at the pen she had to deal with sheep who liked to humiliate her. The woman got her revenge. Freezing someone’s jock strap in the freezer was only the beginning. The woman knew how to replace mint jelly for Preparation H . Yeah, not the thing ya want after getting em lopped off. Oy the Horror. !

So why does this guy think he has to spy on us? Is this really a means to smoke out sheep? We know he is spying on North Korea, he tweeted as much, really the wrong thing to do when you are looking at a maniac with a nuke. Sure, piss him off a little more and maybe he will show you his before you show him yours. Yeah, we know, sheep speak. Then he decided to try to play hide the salami with a law that prevents humans from suing corporations.

What makes sheep laugh is how he is trying to say he is literate. Yeah, that is like trying to say he knows about that little law that could get him tossed out on his tushy before he can tweet. Apparently, he didn’t. He does now. yeah, they can toss him even if mentally or physically he isn’t incapacitated. Sheep like that law. His own can turn on him boy if that isn’t the sheep calling the kettle black.

We could spy on him. Now that would be original. Sheep could use the very tools that were used as part of the patriot act, and spy on our constipator in chief. Puppy likes that, he is  snickering. How should we do this, with a back door worm? Attach a worm to his twitter account. What might we find, do we really want to know? Humans are not interesting, which is why we don’t understand why he wants to spy on you.

Spying on the little rascals, we can see that. They do have Skippy running the show, and they have those lovely people who want to do away with anyone who isn’t crazy. But not everyone is willing to stand by Homer as he mistreats the public. They have gone beyond abandoning the ship. Now, its become an all out rush to see who can get out before the public takes them down with him.

For shame Homer, spying is really tacky. He could be getting a healthcare bill for everyone in need, or offering more tax breaks to families and singles. But instead he wants to spy on people. So the guy likes to watch. Ok perv, we know your kind. Is he into spanking too? Handcuffs? Tie him up, Tie him down? Puppy says yup, he has seen it before. George is saying, no, you have me confused with Cheney.

Spying, natures way of saying, you are a loser.

Bertha Hates Cover Ups….

Bertha knows a cover up when she sees it, has even participated in a few. The incident with the bleach bottle and the senator’s grandson? Yeah, She felt sorry for the little guy and chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. But we know there are others who have also had to do this on job questionnaires. Bertha responded to a few.

What was her last job? Bertha was a reporter.

Does she have any strange proclivities? Define Strange.

Is she a whistleblower? Ya mean will she blow the whistle on those who are into shagging produce?

Does she have any skills? Define skills. Bertha knows how to flaunt  em like the best, studied Mata Hari for ideas.

Would she out any candidate who was into weird things? Of course, especially if they refused to answer questions about their affairs, mistresses, romps with produce, the bleach bottle, mop.

Yeah, the old girl could do a tell all about people she has known, incidents she witnessed, women who came crying to her about their senator boyfriends. But there is a difference. She won’t just randomly out anyone unless they have black mailed her. Then the claws come out, the red gloves go on, and she goes into full Bertha mode. Then its on. This is why she hates people who lie, tell stupid lies and then call it fake news. Donald, your toupee needs work.

She applauds guys like Assange, Snowdon who have taken truth-telling to new heights. And of course she is gaga over George Clooney.  She applauds Marshall Mathers as well. That boy knows how to make her smile. But its Puppy who really knows how to get liars to confess. He dangles produce before the unwitting party and before you know it, the poor sap is moaning and groaning. Puppy pulls out his squash, some melons and the sap is just begging to shag them. He even has witnessed the senator who insisted he be given a crudité platter before session. Funny how nobody got to sample his goods. Come on, we know who was romping those carrots.

So how should she approach Donald? Produce is a possibility, and we know he likes it rough and tough, so bovines are in the offing. He can’t resist melons, and groping is in his line of women. Kelly Anne and Michelle could be his next victims. Going full frontal is out as he won’t grope anything that is transgender, but perhaps Bertha can pull it out and off. Yeah, we went there. Donald, you don’t drink, but who said it can’t be placed in pastry? Bertha plans to get to the bottom of his lies.

That rogue senator can tell you that dame could get a dog to talk. Puppy is giving the evil eye. No puppy, not you. We are referring to his Irish Setter, the one who gets confused with his wife. Puppy offered her a carrot and oy the language that came out of her mouth. Harvey, we did that one for you. A darkened wine cellar, a carrot, sound familiar Donald? Er we mean Harv?

Yes, Bertha hates those who cover up, even though there are times things happen and ya need to. But she won’ t let him off the hook on the death of military. No way. If it takes lambscaping after dark, melons, carrots, she will use what is needed to get that donkey to screech. From there she will feed it to Julien, and well, you get the picture. Make no mistake, if it comes to uncovering the obvious, Bertha is on it, behind it, using it, riding it, oops, did we go too far?