Bertha has been around the block long enough to know at some point she has to avoid Black Friday. Still the thrill of the hunt keeps luring her in, just as the lunatics are in the head of Donald Trump. On the night before the BIG EVENT, she prepared her strategy to get in, get the targeted items and get out without too much biting and weave wars. The best plans of mice and sheep.
The first event occurred as she was attempting to purchase Preparation H. You would think this would be a safe item, but given the many women and men who use it for bags? NO. The yelling and screaming and grabbing for the last tube became one for the books. Yells of ” I need it for my toucas!” and ” It is cheaper than another night with Donald.” These could be heard around the store. Bertha dove in, biting her way thru, getting kicked in the teeth by Melania, Ivanka, and Ivana. The weave war was on. Bertha flashed them, then the others flashed back. It became a war of the boobies.
Ultimately Bertha won out, much to the disgust of the other women. Then came the search for wax kits. Sure enough the same dames showed up and once again it was off to the races. Bertha needed a full on wax, while Ivana and Melania needed just a stache job. But there were men who were into lambscaping and wanted it for the issues down below. Yells and screams were loud and pronounced, but Bertha came out with it in her teeth.
You would think by this point she would just go to Amazon or Ebay and avoid such confrontations. Sheep are not good with typing. Their hooves and nails get in the way. This is further proof we have not yet evolved, but are still living in Donald’s dark ages. The Issues of fighting over clothes, shoes, and make up didn’t thrill her. This dame wants the items so obscure, only first ladies can relate to. Valium to get thru the long nights, and pompous eves with guys who drag them into dinners. Prozac to get thru the long-winded lies of their mates. “Sure honey, I was just having them assassinated because they didn’t like me.” How many times have we heard that one? Oy! Or our favorite: ” It wasn’t me, it was Cheney.” Yeah, tell Bertha et all another.
Bertha is a simple gal with fabulous taste, and knows when it is time to flaunt them to get what she needs. In the boudoir aisle, were the sheets. Bertha can’t sleep on silk or sating as she keeps falling off. So the war of the sheets was on. Swiping at Ivana for the 400 thread count was something she had only dreamed of. Swiping at Ivanna at all was the real dream, but the sheets were the icing on the cake. Bertha was heard yelling at Ivanna; ” Shouldn’t you be going for the bleach? The carpet should match the drapes?’ This time Ivanna won out, and Bertha had to settle for fake silk, not quite as slippery as the real thing.
Now for the coute de tat, the aisle with the bike pumps. Bertha relies on a good bike pump to keep her implants in place, and her toucas from going flat and swinging sideways. For some sick reason, puppy was in there, having a dance of the eyes with Bertha. Puppy was into a lot of weird stuff, but this was a first. Was he at that age where he needed a little help, or was he just in it for the ride? Either way Bertha wasn’t giving in. Puppy had to settle for the large bleach bottles instead. Apparently Donald has this issue too. Hmm, so that is where he disappears to.
The produce was next to be assaulted and both Bertha and Puppy went for it. Hey, a sheep has to do what a sheep has to do. So what was Melania there for? Was she into groping? Nah, that was Donald. Carrots? That was what Donald wasn’t there for, so it’s a possibility. No, and she was into gluten-free and vegan, two things Bertha avoided at all costs. Bertha pointed to the great outdoors. It is the place all vegans eventually find themselves. Buying for Donald? No he was into the shot guns and super glue. That wig has to be kept on at all costs, or risk him and his balding head revealed. Our Eyes!
Bertha emerged with her new bike pump, tassels for her ta ta’s, Preparation H for her toucas, and wax for fur jobs. raw knuckles from assaulting those who got in her way. Nothing comes between a sheep and it’s naughtys. Though slightly leaving with a limp, Melania came out with her items, Ivana without her bleach, and Ivanka without a harness. At her age as we dames all know, something has to keep em up. All cursing Next year they go Amazon.
What did the men in the house go for? They are still hoping for that healthcare bill, tax bill, impeachment, and good attorney’s. Keep waiting, at least two of them will come true.