Bertha Apologizes to UK for Trump….

Oh where to begin with this bloke. Bertha has always been a fan of the British, Irish, Scotts, and we are sorry you had to endure the likes of Donald Trump. Much like your distaste of him, so is that of the American Humans. In short, we hate him. Though he does provide us with a plethora of material for blogs, news, jokes, still, he leaves a very bad taste in the mouths of most Americans.

Some things we can wash away with mouth wash, toothpaste, a mint, but his type of snarl is just one nobody has been able to remove. It goes beyond his dislike for anyone not lily-white, American, Intelligent, Educated, that dares to question his lack of the above. This bloke is just beyond the pale. When three past presidents gather who are from opposing parties gather, shaking heads at his utter lack of common sense, something is seriously wrong indeed.

Now, Puppy believes a nice romp with carrots is in order, perhaps with someone who is of ethnic origin. If the laxative effects of the roughage didn’t remove the build up that is snarl, surely the shock of the romp with Hispanic, black, or other ethnic origin would give him a complete cleaning. The jury is still out on that one. It can’t hurt. Well, maybe a little, the carrots we mean, not the person whom he would be romping. Rodents we hear are good for that too, though we hate to put the little buggers thru such an arduous task. But it would be seen as taking one for the team.

His choosing to disengage from the UK, Nato, sends the wrong message. The American people think you are indeed our allies to the end, support you, so it is with our sadness he makes a mockery of the US. Clearly he has anal glaucoma, cannot see he is getting used by both Putin and the Chinese.  Though now, he has given China even more reason to hate the USA.

The tariffs placed on items from Europe will harm the people of the US. For once, Americans were getting out of their Suzy cream cheese existence, and waking up to the quality and flavors that the Brits are known for. The exotic and wicked desserts. Spotted Dick would have only been a reference to one who romped with Trump, is a long time favorite of the Uk as a dessert. The Pastry, not the Dick that was Trump. Indian food with its plethora of spices and flavors would never have entered the cuisine if it was up to Trump. Though the Chinese were known for copyright infringement, still their delightful flavors have tingled our palates. Now, if we can get those items, it will come with high cost.

Trump for sure is a maniac, not in the good sense of the word. His Zeig Heil mentality, is catching, spreading fear and hate among low brow groups, which scares many Americans. He very well could become POTUS yet again to the fears of many. If this becomes the case, and he chooses the Supreme court justice Kavanagh, not even Bridgett will be safe. That goes for the men and women of all continents. The queen no doubt is not amused, nor will be happy should her people be seen as undocumented. Surely the pedigrees of the UK is head and tails of that of the inner bred baffoons who worship the ground Trump defiles.

Bertha is so worried about the new judge, that she is preparing for the worst. She is going to Canada to purchase the morning after pill, and anything else that could become caught in the crossfire. Bertha won’t take any chances, and Puppy is right along with her in his quest for melons, carrots, fruit and veg that he could have a go with. Bertha is fearful that her rights and civil liberties will be gone in a nano second, and longs for the robust life style that she had back home in the pen. Nobody blinked if she was a diva, had wild nights, wore designer attire, sported bags that might be knock offs. Nobody cared if she grew a bit of stache, belched, broke wind, or swallowed it all with a little yellow pill, mommy’s little helper. Mick is saying spot on. Sir Elton must be choking, as Donald is using his Rocket Man for nefarious reasons. Again, we are not supportive of Donald, nor his antics.

Brits should worry if the laws pass to allow more buffoons to carry weapons. As if you didn’t have enough to worry about with your attacks on the Tube. If his supporters cannot discern Puerto Rico from South America, nor its people, and call the lovely people of San Juan foul names, will the people of the UK and France be far behind?  There is just too much to apologize for with this dim bulb. Americans beg please don’t assume we support his attitudes or antics, the balloon was spot on, and we cheered you for it. Good Show!.

Americans also salute the French for winning the world cup. Tres excellent! Bertha likes those pastries, wine, and pate. Bertha we are talking soccer, which she is more than happy to indulge in while imbibing the grape. Of course we and the Canadians  live dangerously giving the high-five to another ally. Like you, we live in fear of oppression by the worst president of all. Bill and George look pretty good now don’t they? Obama is saying I can undo this. Um, governor,  I think your time is up, but thank you for the offer. George H is in disbelief at the stupidity and lack of empathy, intelligence, common sense, and no he is not talking about “W”. A good whack to the bottom might help George, but we think he might enjoy that too much.

Soo what can we say but stand firm, which we know you Brits do so well, remember, like a rash, he can be dealt with using Preparation H. No, not the bomb, the cream that Bertha uses for the bags under her eyes. Just don’t take the millions of innocent Americans with him that are your pals. We love to visit, pay our money to your economy, support tourism, trooping of the color, The Great British Baking Show, the newest family members of the royals. Like you, we cried when Lady Di perished. Donald is the hemmoroid in the way of all things good and sane. Be it here or abroad. No question  he is an embarrassment to all of us.

Pass the spotted dick and pate, the wines of France, and all things spicy and original!

Life is a feast, a smorgasboard, you cannot allow the Jello to stand in the way of the aspic, foul, pastries, culture that make all of us great. Americans stand with you and France, Bertha salutes you, and Puppy is somewhere roughing the puppy! Dammit dog where did you go? Oh well, he is getting his jollies somewhere in a closet, but gives the high paw up. No pun intended governor.





Bertha’ s Take on Immigration & Tariff’s

Bertha’s flashbacks of her citizenship left her with questions. If she had to conform to humans to fit in,( implants, tushy implants, fake lashes, waxes, wigs, tans, designer gowns, heels), What do we expect of those attempting to come from foreign lands? Of course they won’t go as extreme as Bertha getting them lopped off becoming a trans gendered sheep, but what does Trump expect of them?

Number one we know there is the language barrier. The universal middle paw yes is recognized the world over, but is that enough? They need to also understand if allowed to remain in the states, they too have to conform to other morays taken for granted by the masses. They will learn to love the lack of warfare other than the throngs of angry women getting silenced by the supreme court judges.  Will they support roe v. wade, getting healthcare for women, at risk by agenda driven Neanderthals? What about siding with the Neanderthals at the risk of becoming even more hated by existing, angry women? Will they zeig heil and bend over, or fight the good fight, tell Trump et all to naff off and risk deportation!

Such worries of NRA toting gun fiends should worry them as they have become their new hunting trophies thanks to swastika Don. Perhaps getting them lopped off, sporting wigs, tans, eye lashes, implants is not so bad after all. We already know they fit in with the New York drivers, and filth that is Washington. Even dogs know not to pee on the grass in DC without fears of losing their rights and ending up back in collars and on all fours. Then again, isn’t that how much of the American people have ended up? At least if they are going to get screwed buy them dinner and a night on the town first! Bertha won’t wear the collar and refuses to get on all fours for anyone. She had enough of that with the ménage a trois back home. Puppy on the other hand wants to know if he can still have and use his stash of produce? If they are going to take away our rights, something has to give, and he is not going to give up produce for romping with carrots moments.

Yes restrictions will become all the more like those in Saudi, or worse Wisconsin. No more drinking, carousing, loud parties till the wee hours, no more smoking , snorting, snarfing, sex with anyone or thing outside of your comfort level. Nope, if the republicrats get their way and their agendas, tariffs from China will become the least of our worries. Humans can do without their knock off Gucci’s, Ferrari’s, face creams that double as hemorrhoids fixes. But take away our rights, abilities to be normal, say NO to the crazy that will become your lord and master and its bend over bridge, we have something else in mind for you!

Those who liked to have ménage a trois will be required to do so under the watchful eye of republicans. If they chose to have romps with carrots or melons, that means the bleach bottle and broom handle must go. As for the  rodents, that is a for sure NO. Priests will have to make do with their rosary beads. Get creative gents.  That is only the beginning if the crazies get their way. Oy the Horror! Imagine having to go to church every sunday, no sleeping in, and having to watch Lawrence Welk in place of “This week with George Staphenapolis.” No coffee, tea, cola, nothing fun at all. No gambling, women wearing daring clothing. Bertha is choking. It’s ok dear, we have things in place for you. Puppy is in his closet furiously roughing produce. Easy their little guy, we have your back.

The good thing about crazies taking over? It leaves us the chance to vote them out, undo the damage they have unleashed on the public. Immigrants are looking this over, scratching their heads. We may not need to deport, if they get wind of the Trump and Wisconsin agenda. They will give the FU and say I dont’ think so. Kills two birds with one stone really. Well, that is if you like being known as coming from Wisconsin.

Bertha Is Having Flashbacks…

Berths is sitting on her divan, eye mask over her eyes, head wrapped in a turban, and a cold cloth is covering her face. The woman is having serious flashbacks from when she and the other sheep made their escape from the perverted farmers into the land of opportunity and welfare. Yes, we are talking about the USA. But her trip was not an easy one as her flashbacks will reveal, as she and the other sheep had to go thru some serious and often painful, sometimes very funny events before they could assimilate into American, Human, culture.

Bertha had been the mistress of a very twisted, somewhat dim, often suffering, psychologist. Basil became her lover after a very twisted, extremely off the wall farmer had offered to share her with him. At first Basil refused citing bestiality wasn’t his cup of tea, but then succumbed to her boudoir capabilities, her diva behavior, and her passion for all things wild. Eventually, Basil ran off with the ball of cheese who had fermented and become someone he could not take out in public for fear of her demise from consumption by others. He settled on the diva who got her jollies doing the dishes, sending her into orgasmic fits of ” Do it to me again lover!”. Of course, the farmer ended up with the guy who was into sniffing lint, not quite as fun, but knew how to create on hell of a mess! Puppy soon followed Bertha to the states citing his inability to deal with his owners constant need for attention and whining, separation anxiety issues and need to be the Boss in the bedroom.

Bertha and the other sheep managed to escape, running in flocks from farm to ocean, hopping cruise ships, trains, airplanes, and eventually cars. Some made the trip without incident, others were caught and sent to pens, where we hear they still reside. Apparently there are no hearings for sheep. Bertha, Henrietta, and Charlotte made the ultimate sacrifice, agreeing to have them lopped off, and waxed. Then came the wigs, lashes, tit implants, high heels, designer attire, fake tans and mustache waxes. The sheep took on New York, Washington, LA, getting the notice of talk shows demanding to know more about them. Bertha was not about to divulge their secrets, and gave only slight whines and a smack on the nose to anyone who got too close. But that is the cleaned up version, actually, there was a much darker one, nobody has heard until now.

Bertha caught the eye of a sick, very dashing, politico who chased her across the country, He became so enamored with her, getting caught only made it that much more titillating. Wild parties, chandeliers, champagne, dancing the tango became something that became their secret. He never knew she had become a chanteuse, diva, to escape the mayhem from the ménage a trois back home. Getting them lopped off is something some are destined to do because of genetics gone wild. In Bertha’s case, it was that or the crying game. Having to pose as a female, with tits, tushy implants, wobbling in louboutains, wigs that would become askew, not speaking, but using smacks on the nose, and batting her fake lashes behind a hand fan, became her new life. Puppy became her side kick, but only with the understanding he could continue with his stash for his closet antics with produce. Of course we do not recommend this course of action, but it is an option if anyone still needs a way out and a way into the US.

Bertha still remembers the boring, often mind numbing inane conversations Basil’s clients would have in sessions.” I don’t have one” was the lament of  one client. Another was an old, deaf priest who confused language, and another was Junot, a naughty, speech impaired physics professor who often got slapped. Their babble of discontent was something that would put to sleep even their advisor. To break the monotony, the farmer would call up asking if Basil was allergic to latex, tall ladders, wax, and wool. Basil would never know it was Angus, get pissed off and hang up. Next came the sheep who was sent in to lure Basil into the world of bestiality.

Bertha was good, too good. She complained about the mint jelly, the waxing, tush implants, tits that often deflated, requiring a bike pump to re inflate them, risking bouts of flying around a room if they became too full, or if not sealed, made a horrible, farting noise. Basil became her confidant, plying her with designer attire she stole from his wife, jewels that he stole from her collection. Bertha needed a green card, and saw this as her way out. Then the escape plans hatched.

First it would be to become stowaways in the hulls of ships, sweating as if they were sitting in a shwitz, Then the trains, which offered better transportation, and air conditioning. Finally they managed to pose as sexual anthropologists, politicos , writers and rules sheep. The gals from Sex in the City had nothing on them. Bertha was far and above Samantha. She became the cause celeb of magazines, news papers, demanding her input on politics, sex, the world as a whole. But trying to remain in character wasn’t easy and occasionally Bertha would slip. No, literally slip as in falling on her ass from the wobble of her high heels. As for driving, oy, sheep are not meant to drive, give the middle paw and steer at the same time. If she became annoyed the dame would flaunt them, creating cries of ” Our eyes!” A full moon wasn’t out of the picture either. In fact on one of their escape routes, she had to remain in a hotel with no air. She would open a window and stick her tush out the window. Of course it got stuck and popped, creating the mother of all shall we say bowel issues? That sent police and ambulance drivers to her window, trying to pull the sheep out of the window. That just made her tits pop out. It was one thing or the other. Oy, the horror!

But now settled in her apartment with puppy, she reads about those kept in pens, with not a perverse farmer, but a rogue maniac with swastika issues. She sees both sides of course, placing the anger on the swastika maniac who needs a laxative. Really, separating children from their parents? Well, its true the KKK does exist, and is living and heaving in the white house. Of course people like Sara have become victims as well, having to sport the tits and tush albeit in human form to avoid loss of income. Getting used by the swastika group that wants anyone not lily-white out of this country, just grotesque. Sara put on your Nike’s and run while you still can. Yes they do need to become legal as Bertha did, but not go thru the lopping and crying game swastika Don has created. For shame. Oy, Bertha just can’t take it, is snarfing and in need of a bath….

No Peeking!






Bertha Discusses Male Behavior….

Bertha is sitting on her divan ice pack perched against her long nose and swollen cheek. No she has not become the latest victim of the bad boys club, she is recouping from a tooth extraction. Perhaps its the strong meds the docs have her on, or the fact she is incensed by the rash no pun intended, of bad boys who can’t keep their family jewels to themselves. Bertha wants to discuss certain behaviors that just don’t fly.

Unless a woman clearly is sending signals she wishes to be groped, and trust us the signals are crystal clear, no male, no matter who he is, or how famous, has the right to force the tango on his unwitting victim. Bertha loves to tango, especially in her boudoir, with a rose in her teeth, and only wearing a towel. Too much? The kind of groping we are discussing is the overt, heavy panting, bug-eyed, can’t keep it in his pants, overtures that result in someone either getting smacked, or knees in the groin. Those are the lucky dames who did not end up knocked up with the loser du jours’ bastard offspring.

Mario, Donald, Harvey, dare we say it Bill, and no we don’t mean Bill Clinton. Guys, if women are not begging you for it, go away. Drugging them does not count, that is the same as throwing a duck in with a tiger and expecting it to defend itself. We know the tiger won’t win, could end up with some really butt ugly-looking offspring. Then there is the whole issue of having to bribe the duck so he does not do a tell all. You get lawyers involved and they have to get paid off so they don’t out both the duck and you. Oy, do these men never learn?

Donald, when the dame said NO, all you had to do was walk away. Paying her off was a huge mistake. Mario, you didn’t even bother to try to pay anyone off, you assumed if you gave her enough of your linguine she would stay mum. Now you have a situation where no man feels safe on the job and has to qualify every move he makes on the job. NO, putting paper into the copy machine does not constitute an invite to do her on the machine. That came out wrong, but you get the idea. Men in bars have to worry if the woman who was so drunk she threw up on you was a sign she wanted sex. Um, if she is that wasted, you don’t want her anywhere near you. We digress.

Some of you men oy vey, you think you are god’s gift to sheep. If your parts were half as large as your egos, no female would be safe. Are we trying to compensate? Should kIm be worried? Can you both meet without him worrying you are making a pass at him? He does have some mean tools to play with against you. Kim is saying break out the chastity belt, Donald wants us to meet up. George and Bill liked that one, they are snickering. Never when leaders had to meet up did they have to worry that their guest could try to put the moves on them. If they refused, they were offered bribes. Nooooo, Cochise. You cannot do that when you are married. The wives are saying, oh let them do it, we will clean their clocks that nullify the pre=nups!

Now we have a country that is known not for our expertise, grace and kindness, but our humping anything that moves, leaders and celebrities. Bertha has watched monkeys with less intent. Animals at the zoo are saying don’t even think about it. Bertha has seen her share of horny politicos, that damn senator, but even he knew time and place and discretion was everything. Not you Donald, Mario, Harvey, Matt, Bill. Clinton is looking around, he is looking like a choir boy more and more. But the ones coming out of the wood work, for shame. Have you no sense of decency?

Hillary is looking at these guys, shaking her head, and at the people who voted them in. No amount of Kumbya will fix this, no blocking gay rights, or abortion will keep guys like this from behaving badly. Gays are saying, at least we know when someone is not into us. They walk away. NO, Mario had to have a grope session with a waitress, Matt has to expose himself, and Harvey, just thought banging was part of the contract. Well guys, those who end up in jail, remember what goes around comes around and around and around. Front and Back. Donald, if you are not impeached, your days with Melania are over as you knew it. That woman should not just be pushing your hand away, she should be slapping you in public. Then again you might take that as a turn on.

And Harry if you are reading this pay attention, if you stray, and your kind tends to do so in the palace, it won’t just be your granny who is not amused. You now have a family of sistas who will keep your behind in place where it belongs with the Duchess. Something tells me that girl has a mean left hook and a gives a good, swift kick. Don’t say you were not warned.

Oh Bertha’s nose is so numb she is snarfing. Time for her to take another dose of pain-killer and …..oh she is already off in dream land. Sweet dreams Bertha.

Bertha Takes On The NRA Sheep Style…..

Ahem, must Bertha remind the public that the NRA is not in fact a government entity, but a private organization? Folks, you have been duped into thinking this organization funded by the most vile of reptiles is nothing more than a group of angry men, hopped up on too much whisky, beer, their own power trips, excrement, designed to dictate political outcomes and candidates.

Bertha is prepared to further remind them that bribing public officials, candidates, organizations, for the sole purpose of controlling the outcome is both illegal and tacky. They no more care about the safety of the public than puppy cares about the carrots and squash he defiles. It is all about money, control, blackmail and a need to bastardize the constitution. Do they care about your kids, wives, husbands, boyfriends, sisters or brothers? No. Does it bother them at all that they encourage young kids to use weapons designed to take out terror organizations? NO. They want the world to be armed to the teeth with guns that kill people. They want teachers and students from pre-schools to high schools, colleges and universities to be armed.

What the hell are they so afraid of? When they came out of the womb what sort of images did they see? Do you think this brain fart they suffered from at birth was the result of mom ingesting vast amounts of beer, or war films? Did they come out breach and the docs had to spank them to get them to stop giving the finger? Sheep have never seen a more paranoid group of people, unless you include dick Cheney, and perhaps the guy who suffered from cat scratch fever.

People should be frightened if they are getting a proctology exam and they are not in a doctor’s office. Yes, when you see hamsters and rodents by all means run like hell.  If you see Harvey Weinstein or any of the Weinstein brothers, yes run. But when Bertha was a child nobody was allowed near guns, saw guns sold in stores with sheep food, allowed kids near them. They were reserved solely for police, FBI, the military, but never in the classroom, bars, stores, out in the streets, college campuses, nowhere in public period.

The idea the NRA encourages death should scare the hell out of the public, as what else do they expect to happen with so many people carrying weapons that kill people? Sheep are never going to support the NRA, we won’t take money to go away, shut up, nor stop attacking them or their ilk. Sheep are peaceful, strong, intelligent beasts who choose to use words over bullets, justice over corruption, and Robert Muller to get Trump out of office.

Trump you should be ashamed of yourself, back sliding, and taking the side of the NRA. You just gave this rogue group of maniacs the match, gasoline and told them, to arm babies. Guys it is time to shut down this group of maniacs. The monster that has been created, allowed to continue, will become the end of us all. We know there are groups that can’t wait to get upstairs, but taking the entire world with you isn’t your right nor your prerogative. Those led by that guy whom they treated like royalty, who supported the NRA, need we say more? Yeah, that guy.

Bertha and Puppy will not arm themselves with weapons, carry concealed weapons, nor allow family members to do so. Puppy will carry his stash of squash, carrots, the occasional melons, a mop and bleach bottle, and Bertha will sport mace and a taser in her ta- ta’s, but a gun? Never.

Guys, do you really want to get into a situation where you forgot you are carrying a gun and your pants go off along with the family jewels? Hello. Do you want grandpa to appear in his nothings with his jingles hanging low and swinging, as he gums his teeth and eyes his next victim?  Or what about running into an ex girlfriend whom you gave the clap or worse to and she blows off the family whistle? Take that any way you wish. Don’t think it won’t happen, if Lorena did this with a knife, do you think a pissed off sista won’t do so with a gun?

Or giving a baby an armed pistol with dad sprawled out on the couch, beer can on the floor, and the baby taking the gun, blowing  daddy away and see if he bounces back. NO Co chise, you don’t want to let this happen. Family pets are living in fear. And Black Friday? You thought a bunch of wild women got pissed over a box of candy, wait until they are all armed to the teeth? Will those sales look as sweet?

Sheep want you to look at all of the issues before you let this rogue group of maniacs brain wash you. They don’t care if people kill each other, or your loved ones. The NRA must be shut down, told to go away, or a country that does not care if they blow each other up. But to dictate policies that affect so many women, children, families. NO.

Sheep are not going away NRA. We won’t go until you do.


Bertha is snarfing…..

Bertha has made an observation. The current government shut down is much like a family picnic, only the family happen to be the dems and the republicans. One family member whom we can blame for much of this fiasco wants to do away with caca. The dreamers who are fighting for access of all items on the buffet are getting met with stiff nips on the toucas. The dems want them and their extended family members to have access to the BBQ, the potato salad,  and dessert, while the republican relatives say NO. Republicans want them to have access to the lime Jello that nobody likes or wants. The dems are giving an ultimatum, they will take the lime Jello, provided they get healthcare for babies, Medicaid for granny, spending for the military and full access for caca.

The fiasco in chief has said he wants his wall along with full deportation of all caca dreamers. That is like saying he wants the buffet and the Pepcid that will follow, but not give an inch on any other food item unless caca is taken off the table. Let’s be clear here, the whole issue is CACA. There is no in-between, and no amount of Charmin will change who is allowed to use the latrine and the sink, blow dryer, and soap. In the mean time, we have grandma’s getting tossed out in the street once their Medicare runs out, and Medicaid gets taken off the table. The middle class and working class are still getting screwed by the lack of decent wages and healthcare that was part of this buffet. Why? CACA. The fiasco in chief wants the rich to get their 18 and 19 taxes prepaid, which according to the IRS is illegal, not caring if those in San Juan are still without water, electricity, aide, nada. He just wants his wall that separates his share of the buffet from the dregs he wants to leave to the masses.

We have laws that have been on the books to enforce immigration. Nobody wants to upset the buffet by telling one part of the family, NO, while the republican side is happy to not just say NO but assist with the physical removal of the debris. This is much like making an appointment to hold a spot in line, to be told, it was given away. They know how to make the reservation, they just can’t hold the reservation. So now it is a caca reservation issue. You can look at the buffet, smell the buffet, we will even let you dream that you can eat the buffet, but you cannot use a fork, knife, your hands, nor any other utensil to get that food into your mouth. In fact, you cannot have the food that is sitting on the table in front of you.

Bertha is snarfing. Because neither side can come to the table without creating mass chaos, shutting down and off items sheep and humans need, (especially in a deadly flu season). Everyone gets the trots. Soldiers who have given up life and limb cannot get access to watching football, TSA must grope and search you without so much as getting dinner and drinks first, pubic monuments and parks are off-limits as that could cause some to assume they have gotten access to the buffet. Bertha wants to be able to travel, get groped, visit the statue of liberty without having to worry she will get sent back to the pen. For those who don’t know Bertha is Irish. She and puppy had to go thru heavy paper works to allow them to become Americans. She had to become a transgendered sheep, and puppy had to get placed on the horny pedophile list that has been caught stashing and fondling fruit and produce. Yet, both are seen as legal Americans who can move about as they please. Why? Neither tried  to bring in family members without going thru the change, nor use innocent males to get green cards, produce maybe, but green cards NEVER. Yet the fiasco in chief may still see them as undocumented and try to ship them back home. Does it matter the fiasco was married to someone who herself was not legal at the time of her modeling tenure? No. Yet Bertha and puppy could still risk deportation because some yoyo on fiasco’s staff does not know legal from illegal.

Is it an ethics question or moral issue? Puppy can romp fruit and produce, but he can’t stash and carry on an aircraft. Bertha can travel, blind everyone with her implants, yet still get a slap and tickle session if she shows off her toucas. So is this the result of caca? Many would say yes. Sheep know what we had to go thru to remain in this country legally. We made the ultimate sacrifice. Yes, the family jewels had to go, the wigs had to go on, eyes had to cross, wax had to be used to remove our fur and dammit, we had to learn how to drive a stick. They could not give us an automatic, we got the stick in more ways than one.

This is why sheep and puppy refuse to go to family gatherings, too much harassment, too little access. Until the family BBQ can be dealt with so all sides are happy or at least given balance if not access? Laxatives are a good option without access to bathrooms or Imodium. In other words shit or get off the pot, decide who gets the Lime Jello and be done with it already.

Bertha Blames Trump for Tax Audit….

Bertha is snarfing, aside from trying to beat this human flu bug from hell, she was informed she will be audited. Bertha is sitting on her divan, Kleenex sticking out of her nose, eyes running, boobs hanging sideways, as she tries to gather her receipts for her tax audit. Apparently thanks to Donald Trump, what she was told she could use for deductions, does not fly with the IRS.

Puppy enters the room, grabs his produce and begins sorting thru the rash of papers, items, toys, and crudité platters. Apparently nobody at the IRS found it amusing that he tried to list produce, a bleach bottle, mop or melons. Had they been listed under meals, he might have gotten a partial deduction, but romping, rolfing, having a go with anything that does not belong in the back-end, does not constitute meals. hamsters on the other hand, are considered deductions for Med students, as those require their skills for removal. Puppy the ever insistent beast that he is, is researching ways he can list his stash.

Bertha, tried to list her usual suspects, inflatables, inserts, wax, tanning beds, glasses, contact lenses. Of those, only the contact lenses, glasses were considered legit. They fall under medical. But trying to maintain her boobs, tushy, tan, wax, just don’t cut it. Unless during the lopping of the family jewels things somehow got removed, boob maintenance is not considered a taxable event. Word to the dames with inserts, gals, that new boob job isn’t medical, its vanity.

But her teeth, feet, and any other part of her anatomy was up for grabs. As Bertha struggled trying to sort the documents, she kept whining, her nose was running like a faucet, and she was trying to open those damn child proof cold med packages. Sheep can’t open things like humans can, hooves only get you so far. Puppy took the bottle and between his teeth and paws was able to open the package. Of course in doing so they flew around the room and one ended up down the toilet. Bertha wasn’t going to let a pill escape so she dove in head first to get her nose stuck. She got the pill and like a champ was holding it up like a gold medal. Puppy grabbed her by her boobs and eventually the popping noise ended up to be her head, not the implants.

As Bertha continued to go thru her documents, she came across the item that Trump states was legal to do for 2018 from 2019. Yes, we are talking about those taxes the rich and greedy were trying to take advantage of. Apparently when she and they tried to get their 2019 and 2020 taxes dealt with the IRS had enough and said NO. Thus the audit. How in God’s name can anyone predict what their taxes will be for future years if it has not occurred? Bertha looked at her Ouija board and snarfed. Apparently the good board does not speak to the tax gods.

The IRS was specific, nothing that one uses for vanity, greed, doctoring your financial books is acceptable. That sort of takes care of most of the rich and famous doesn’t it? Bertha argues that if Kim Kardashian can use her behind for a tax deduction, Bertha should be allowed to use her boobs. If Donald can play hide the salami and use his insults and twitter feeds for tax deductions, along with the massive insults, crude behavior, Bertha too must be able to use her tushy inflator. In Trumps case, the IRS knows they can’t arrest the bastard because if they do, and he isn’t working, they can’t collect. Does that make him any less guilty? Hell No. The man is a tax cheat. Kardashians are an animal unto themselves, and in the eyes of the IRS are seen as mostly plastic and non beings. Now, if Kim chose to try to sell her ass, or tits, then she might be seen as a human capable of paying taxes.

This just makes Bertha snarf even more. Bertha is half implants, did get her lopped off and her eyes crossed, that had to count for some sort of medical expenses. Trump says if it can be deducted for 2019, go for it. Um, Donald, your laws don’t fly. Now, there are people we would like to see get caught, strung up and flogged in public. But that would mean most of your family, and in-laws. Folks, taking the advice of someone whom the IRS would like to see turned from a financial rooster to a hen, locked up, forced to eat spam, clothes from Wal-Mart, isn’t someone you want as your guru. If Bertha got an audit, and this dame is pretty sharp as to what flies and what does not? Humans are in for a world of hurt.

Bertha, we know you will do the right things, list what is legal, and puppy will find a better way to use his produce. Has he tried spanking the monkey? It’s not quite as fun as carrots or melons, but it gets the job done. It is legal, a little naughty, and gets that za zoo thing going. Your collar is ok, as it is necessary, can be used for those randy nights on the pont du gar. Donald, your collar isn’t going to fly. Unless you chose to lop yours off, and become a monk, sorry dude.

Bertha we snarf with you, understand your pain and wish you the best with your cold and audit. As for the rest of those who refused to listen to local and state offices? We tried to warn you.