Bertha Blames Trump for Tax Audit….

Bertha is snarfing, aside from trying to beat this human flu bug from hell, she was informed she will be audited. Bertha is sitting on her divan, Kleenex sticking out of her nose, eyes running, boobs hanging sideways, as she tries to gather her receipts for her tax audit. Apparently thanks to Donald Trump, what she was told she could use for deductions, does not fly with the IRS.

Puppy enters the room, grabs his produce and begins sorting thru the rash of papers, items, toys, and crudité platters. Apparently nobody at the IRS found it amusing that he tried to list produce, a bleach bottle, mop or melons. Had they been listed under meals, he might have gotten a partial deduction, but romping, rolfing, having a go with anything that does not belong in the back-end, does not constitute meals. hamsters on the other hand, are considered deductions for Med students, as those require their skills for removal. Puppy the ever insistent beast that he is, is researching ways he can list his stash.

Bertha, tried to list her usual suspects, inflatables, inserts, wax, tanning beds, glasses, contact lenses. Of those, only the contact lenses, glasses were considered legit. They fall under medical. But trying to maintain her boobs, tushy, tan, wax, just don’t cut it. Unless during the lopping of the family jewels things somehow got removed, boob maintenance is not considered a taxable event. Word to the dames with inserts, gals, that new boob job isn’t medical, its vanity.

But her teeth, feet, and any other part of her anatomy was up for grabs. As Bertha struggled trying to sort the documents, she kept whining, her nose was running like a faucet, and she was trying to open those damn child proof cold med packages. Sheep can’t open things like humans can, hooves only get you so far. Puppy took the bottle and between his teeth and paws was able to open the package. Of course in doing so they flew around the room and one ended up down the toilet. Bertha wasn’t going to let a pill escape so she dove in head first to get her nose stuck. She got the pill and like a champ was holding it up like a gold medal. Puppy grabbed her by her boobs and eventually the popping noise ended up to be her head, not the implants.

As Bertha continued to go thru her documents, she came across the item that Trump states was legal to do for 2018 from 2019. Yes, we are talking about those taxes the rich and greedy were trying to take advantage of. Apparently when she and they tried to get their 2019 and 2020 taxes dealt with the IRS had enough and said NO. Thus the audit. How in God’s name can anyone predict what their taxes will be for future years if it has not occurred? Bertha looked at her Ouija board and snarfed. Apparently the good board does not speak to the tax gods.

The IRS was specific, nothing that one uses for vanity, greed, doctoring your financial books is acceptable. That sort of takes care of most of the rich and famous doesn’t it? Bertha argues that if Kim Kardashian can use her behind for a tax deduction, Bertha should be allowed to use her boobs. If Donald can play hide the salami and use his insults and twitter feeds for tax deductions, along with the massive insults, crude behavior, Bertha too must be able to use her tushy inflator. In Trumps case, the IRS knows they can’t arrest the bastard because if they do, and he isn’t working, they can’t collect. Does that make him any less guilty? Hell No. The man is a tax cheat. Kardashians are an animal unto themselves, and in the eyes of the IRS are seen as mostly plastic and non beings. Now, if Kim chose to try to sell her ass, or tits, then she might be seen as a human capable of paying taxes.

This just makes Bertha snarf even more. Bertha is half implants, did get her lopped off and her eyes crossed, that had to count for some sort of medical expenses. Trump says if it can be deducted for 2019, go for it. Um, Donald, your laws don’t fly. Now, there are people we would like to see get caught, strung up and flogged in public. But that would mean most of your family, and in-laws. Folks, taking the advice of someone whom the IRS would like to see turned from a financial rooster to a hen, locked up, forced to eat spam, clothes from Wal-Mart, isn’t someone you want as your guru. If Bertha got an audit, and this dame is pretty sharp as to what flies and what does not? Humans are in for a world of hurt.

Bertha, we know you will do the right things, list what is legal, and puppy will find a better way to use his produce. Has he tried spanking the monkey? It’s not quite as fun as carrots or melons, but it gets the job done. It is legal, a little naughty, and gets that za zoo thing going. Your collar is ok, as it is necessary, can be used for those randy nights on the pont du gar. Donald, your collar isn’t going to fly. Unless you chose to lop yours off, and become a monk, sorry dude.

Bertha we snarf with you, understand your pain and wish you the best with your cold and audit. As for the rest of those who refused to listen to local and state offices? We tried to warn you.

 

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Men Behaving Badly….

Bertha needs to address something with men. NO matter what your little general is begging for, unless a woman agrees to salute, the answer is NO. Apparently some men didn’t get the memo, or chose to ignore it. Matt, Harvey, Donald, Al, Bill. We know Bill isn’t on that list at present, but we need to keep him on his toes and off his feet. That’s what they said. lol.

Sheep understand, as far back as childhood, men are told be macho, go for the gusto, if it is there, grab it and hump it. The problem is, it wasn’t the bleach bottle, produce, trees, hell anything that was stagnant. They took this to mean, if it had tits, a toucas, wasn’t beaten with the ugly stick, HUMP IT. Well, up until now you have gotten by with this, and even puppy is disgusted. If the little guy humped as much as you all, we would never see him and he would be blind. Instead he gets his ya ya’s with produce. Nothing like a good romp with carrots to get a good morning started. According to him, it serves two purposes, not only do you get your rocks off, you have a nice crudité platter for later.

Bertha likes to be groped, she likes to be humped, but there is a time and place for it, and unless she has given the green light, steer clear of her. You may end up losing your manhood, and walking and talking like a dame. George is that you? Kidding George, we know you were a man of your word. Every time Bertha turns on the news its a new perv who got it caught.

Guys, remember the old adage, you have two hands? Begin introducing them, from now on if you so much as look at a female wrong, or breathe on her? Oy, slap and tickle will take on a whole new meaning. If you are not bitch slapped one way you will be another. Either way, women have it out for you. You have been warned.

So what caused this, not enough time with the mop? The bleach bottle not doing it for you? If you are anywhere and someone even thinks you are entertaining performing the hamster dance, you have trouble. If the little guy needs to break loose, find the nearest piece of produce and have a go. We won’t tell. Sheep don’t care if its melons, oops, we used her nick name, or carrots, squash, just don’t let the hamster out of the cage. Hell if there is a nice bottle of Tide around, use it, abuse it, we don’t care. Just keep the little guy out of the public’s view.

But that didn’t stop some men, as they still had to get their ya ya’s on. The prairie home pervert was accused of being kind, patting a woman on the back, and wham! Now he is public enema number one. The Horror. Matt we knew was a little letch, and Harvey was a horn toad on the make. Conyers we think wasn’t really trying to make a grab, he was just trying to recall what it was used for, that it could be used, was proud of that fact and insisted on showing it off to his associate. Sadly for him, she was not as impressed. Did that make him a pervert? No.

Russell Simmons, also caught with the hamster out of the cage. In his case, the guy got a bad wrap from his ex-wife. He got reamed that way and was trying to remember how to do that again, with someone who gave a damn. Russell, the problem was, you should have given the girl a chance to say NO, or Not Tonight. Oy, how the mighty have fallen.

They are falling literally on their swords, and it’s no longer a laughing matter. If they so much as look at a female she is liable to slam him with a harassment suit. Sheep feel for men, we even have felt men up, down, and everywhere in between. But there is a time and place. Donald doesn’t care if he openly discusses his indiscretions in public. The key here is not to discuss anything with the words pubic in public. They need to add him to the list of gropers and sinners.

Ladies, he isn’t worth it, trust sheep. The guy is a toad, he is a slime doggy, who makes Bill look like a saint. Yes we said that. Bill likes women, got caught with one, and even admitted to liking cigars, but OY GAVALT ! Donald openly talked about how women were so easy, how he could grab them by the kitty and they would service him. That wasn’t one he was talking about unlike Bill, that was plural. Sure, Bill got his toucas caught in the bleach bottle with Hillary, (bad choice of words), But Donald admits to groping any female that moves. He degrades them in public. Bertha wants a go with him, not to please him, rather to give him a sharp bite in the hamster den. She is totally disgusted by him.

Guys, you make your brothers look bad. You are grown beings who should know how to treat women. At least buy them dinner first before grasping at melons. Kellie Ann is looking around, who me? Sarah you have a chance to fix this, run, throw on your Nike’s and Run. Don’t say you were not warned. Don’t come crying to Bertha if he makes a grab. What were you beaten with the ugly stick? No you were not, ergo, you are not safe. Run!

As for those who still insist on doing the hamster dance in public, who insist on showing it off to whoever will pay attention? One word, DON’T. If you need to express yourself, that is what the bleach bottle and mop are for, what water melons are for, just don’t bring it around women without an invite. NOW, and invite isn’t your interpretation, NO it is not. Unless you see her giving a green light and she is wearing a catcher’s mitt? I don’t think so. And you say sheep are perverted…..The Horror!

Educating Trump….

Yes, you forced us to do this post as clearly Trump needs to understand there are certain things you can’t do or say. Even sheep when we blog are careful not to insult those with disabilities, etc.

Homer, you just cannot use terms like Pocahontas, it is derogatory and insulting to Native Americans. That is like those morons who say that all Italians are mafia dons. Donald, you insulted the twerp from North Korea, which he is going to use to ignite a war with the US. There is only one thing you can do with the Native Americans. Apologize. I know its hard for someone like you to admit you were wrong. Do we have to flog you with squash before you see how wrong you have been?

Sheep have been known to use terms that can take double meanings. What we do to preface it is to let the readers know this is SATIRE. You were serious. Big difference. Sheep apologize to anyone who has ever taken offense by terms we have used, but to get a message across, sometimes you have to use satire and humor to get people to take the stick out, rose glasses off, and look at the bigger picture.

Donald does not know the difference. He has no sensitivity ship. The guy could be cut open and they would find necrosis instead of a heart. As for a soul, well, we know that is missing as well. Sarah, to defend your boss is one thing, but to defend him when he insults people who already have issues, by that we mean land issues? You can’t.

Sarah is one of those dames who would defend someone even if they committed the Kennedy assassination. NO dear, there is no fixing this other than to claim he misspoke, apologizes and hope they accept. Oy, we know Rocket Man is already too far gone to accept anything. Roy the Putz is a pedophile who will never see the error in his ways, and your family? Don’t get us started.

We know when W made comments it was Bush speak. We took his cocaine abuse as a reason for his lack of intelligence, but Donald? Unless he was snorting cat droppings? He has no excuse. This is the result of his relations with KKK members and skin heads. That isn’t the kind of thing POTUS are supposed to be saying, even in private. Did he not see Dances with Sheep? NO dear you don’t insult them. You don’t insult anyone of ethnic background, race, or species. Just don’t go there.

Is there medication for this? No. Not even a romp with squash could undo the mess in his head. Yes, take that as you wish. NO romping carrots, melons, nada can undo this. There are suppositories that can extricate the evil out of him, but do we really want that to happen in public? NO. There are brownies that can be baked and given with a similar effect. But unless he eats a pan of them, or uses a whole box of ex-lax? It won’t change him. His eyes might cross a while, but they will uncross, much to our unhappiness.

So how do you undo damage from something like this? If Melania uses the cast iron fry pan enough, something might rattle loose. But that should not be used in the bed room as he may take that as foreplay. Ditto spanking the monkey. No he needs something really tough enough to undo that ca ca that has nested in his brain. Until then, my fine, Native Americans, Black Lives Matter, etc. Sheep are sorry for our POTUS’s inability to own a sensitivity chip. He has buffalo chips, but not a sensitivity chip.

Homer, you are on Santa’s naughty list, and if you keep at this pace? Reindeer droppings will be dropping on your head. NO HO, HO, HOES. Those go to Bill.

Oy, Melons is Defending Trump and Moore….

Bertha is fuming. Melons is defending Trump and Roy Moore. The Horror! Bertha is appalled that anyone could defend groping teenagers, and she is into it. Bertha loves a good game of groping, playing try to catch her, and even grope and rope her. But an old guy trying to cop a feel from teenagers is just sick. Yeah we know he was in his thirties, which is still considered ILLEGAL in all 50 states.

Bertha wants to point out a few things. One this guy didn’t play hide the salami with a grown woman, he went after teenagers, minors. He stalked them while they were in high school. The guy could not get women on his own of his own age, so he went after little kids? Sheep have a word for this….PERV. Apparently the guy does not know the meaning of the word NO. Try and cop a feel with Bertha and she will give you the what for. She is snarfing mad.

This is one of those times a cold shower, bleach bottle, and produce would have done wonders. But this guy thought produce was too good for him. Bleach was for sissies, and throwing the hose on him was not good enough. He needed to grope kids. Nobody in their right minds defends this, unless you are related to Cletus, who lives in the back woods, does his sister, the dog, mother and father. Banjos play in the background and you see pick up trucks with dogs with a haunted look. Yeah, they might think this was just peachy. Guys if you think that sort of behavior is acceptable, there are jail cells for people like you. You get all the free groping you want, but not by women. You might get your behinds kicked, you will see produce and even a guy named Steve.

As for Trump not denouncing this guy, should we really be surprised? From his comments about grabbing kitties, stating they beg for it, and he can have any cat he wants is proof he too is a DOG. Puppy, we don’t include him with your species. We are talking about the kind of men who would screw a lamp-post if he got by with it. Cats from the hood are looking at sheep and hissing. NO way would they have anything to do with that pig. He might lose the family jewels, salami, become Donna instead of Donald. But No cat we know would get near him except to spray him.

Melons clearly has either been one of the Kitty clubs that Trump speaks of. Or she has the goods on him and is waiting to come out of the closet. She might be a he, nothing has been proven to say otherwise. How else would a female defend either of those pigs? For sure it is proof both men are unfit for office, and its time to neuter both. No, this isn’t a mad sheep, or one who was refused. Bertha isn’t that kind of dame. She knows a Kur when she sees it. We know a drunk when we see her.

If this is what humans have to look forward to, ladies you know how to treat this. Tell those men to get use to shaking hands, as it’s as close to sex as they will get. Introduce the right to the left, making it clear they will never see you naked. Bertha is snarfing. She likes that. As for the accusations that women lie about getting groped by dirty old men? No, it’s the men who lie, women know the difference between what is legal, with permission given and what is trying to cop a feel and copulate with them. The first part of that word should scare most men off. If they grope you , yes Virginia you go to the police.

Oh, the naughty list just keeps getting longer. Santa has some prizes for you losers. Be afraid, be very afraid. Melons, you are a disgrace to your female race. It has to be the bleach.

Bertha’s Adventures With Black Friday….

Bertha has been around the block long enough to know at some point she has to avoid Black Friday. Still the thrill of the hunt keeps luring her in, just as the lunatics are in the head of Donald Trump. On the night before the BIG EVENT, she prepared her strategy to get in, get the targeted items and get out without too much biting and weave wars. The best plans of mice and sheep.

The first event occurred as she was attempting to purchase Preparation H. You would think this would be a safe item, but given the many women and men who use it for bags? NO. The yelling and screaming and grabbing for the last tube became one for the books. Yells of ” I need it for my toucas!” and ” It is cheaper than another night with Donald.” These could be heard around the store. Bertha dove in, biting her way thru, getting kicked in the teeth by Melania, Ivanka, and Ivana. The weave war was on. Bertha flashed them, then the others flashed back. It became a war of the boobies.

Ultimately Bertha won out, much to the disgust of the other women. Then came the search for wax kits. Sure enough the same dames showed up and once again it was off to the races. Bertha needed a full on wax, while Ivana and Melania needed just a stache job. But there were men who were into lambscaping and wanted it for the issues down below. Yells and screams were loud and pronounced, but Bertha came out with it in her teeth.

You would think by this point she would just go to Amazon or Ebay and avoid such confrontations. Sheep are not good with typing. Their hooves and nails get in the way. This is further proof we have not yet evolved, but are still living in Donald’s dark ages. The Issues of fighting over clothes, shoes, and make up didn’t thrill her. This dame wants the items so obscure, only first ladies can relate to. Valium to get thru the long nights, and pompous eves with guys who drag them into dinners. Prozac to get thru the long-winded lies of their mates. “Sure honey, I was just having them assassinated because they didn’t like me.” How many times have we heard that one? Oy! Or our favorite: ” It wasn’t me, it was Cheney.” Yeah, tell Bertha et all another.

Bertha is a simple gal with fabulous taste, and knows when it is time to flaunt them to get what she needs. In the boudoir aisle, were the sheets. Bertha can’t sleep on silk or sating as she keeps falling off. So the war of the sheets was on. Swiping at Ivana for the 400 thread count was something she had only dreamed of. Swiping at Ivanna at all was the real dream, but the sheets were the icing on the cake. Bertha was heard yelling at Ivanna; ” Shouldn’t you be going for the bleach? The carpet should match the drapes?’ This time Ivanna won out, and Bertha had to settle for fake silk, not quite as slippery as the real thing.

Now for the coute de tat, the aisle with the bike pumps. Bertha relies on a good bike pump to keep her implants in place, and her toucas from going flat and swinging sideways. For some sick reason, puppy was in there, having a dance of the eyes with Bertha. Puppy was into a lot of weird stuff, but this was a first. Was he at that age where he needed a little help, or was he just in it for the ride? Either way Bertha wasn’t giving in. Puppy had to settle for the large bleach bottles instead. Apparently Donald has this issue too. Hmm, so that is where he disappears to.

The produce was next to be assaulted and both Bertha and Puppy went for it. Hey, a sheep has to do what a sheep has to do. So what was Melania there for? Was she into groping? Nah, that was Donald. Carrots? That was what Donald wasn’t there for, so it’s a possibility. No, and she was into gluten-free and vegan, two things Bertha avoided at all costs. Bertha pointed to the great outdoors. It is the place all vegans eventually find themselves. Buying for Donald? No he was into the shot guns and super glue. That wig has to be kept on at all costs, or risk him and his balding head revealed. Our Eyes!

Bertha emerged with her new bike pump, tassels for her ta ta’s, Preparation H for her toucas, and wax for fur jobs. raw knuckles from assaulting those who got in her way. Nothing comes between a sheep and it’s naughtys. Though slightly leaving with a limp, Melania came out with her items, Ivana without her bleach, and Ivanka without a harness. At her age as we dames all know, something has to keep em up. All cursing Next year they go Amazon.

What did the men in the house go for? They are still hoping for that healthcare bill, tax bill, impeachment, and good attorney’s. Keep waiting, at least two of them will come true.

 

 

 

What Really Goes Down at the North Pole….

Bertha is preparing for Christmas. She has her stockings hung, her tree is up, (minds out of the gutter), and her lights lit. She has been preparing treats for Santa, and has included whips and chains for those gotta have them moments. Puppy has made his list, has his stocking up, (Again, mind out of the gutter), and is leaving out produce for Santa, and goodies for the reindeer. But what you may wonder is going on at the North Pole?

Santa has been getting reports of angry reindeer who refuse to play in reindeer games. They won’t give a tell all to Wikki leaks, allow CNN nor Access Hollyweed to do a tell all. Instead they have been seen making obscene gestures when the words Trump come up. Sacks of reindeer droppings have been seen getting placed in smaller sacks. We think we know who will be the recipients of those. Grunts and groans have been heard coming from santa’s workshop, leading sheep to think something wild is going on under the radar. The sleigh has been equipped with anti racism tracking, so we know Santa won’t be offering guns and ammo to the likes of the David Duke Crowd, nor the KKK.

Mrs. Claus has been preparing Santa a flack jacket to wear under his red suit in case he is mistaken for a North Korean Missile, that Donald says to take out. In fact the latest in anti missile weaponry includes bullet proof glass and parachutes in case the little fat man decides to use Santa as target practice. The reindeer are not thrilled to have to fly over Guam, have made out their wills, and gotten their affairs in order.

No this isn’t the usual happy-go-lucky group we have seen in the past. But then, we didn’t have Donald Trump in office before either. Now Santa has to worry will he be mistaken for an undocumented and sent back? The reindeer have to worry if they must make a pit stop will they be target practice for the NRA? Santa is keeping track of the political scene in DC, and knows who has been a good doobie and who has not.

The naughty list has grown by leaps and bounds, and those getting reindeer droppings has increased. No longer is it bad little boys or girls, instead it is those who choose to be bigots and assault and harass the LGBTQ groups, blacks and anyone who has a name of Irv. Mrs Claus has been preparing special batches of her brownies to be dropped in those chimney’s and is having a hard time keeping the reindeer and Santa away from them. Nothing like the gifts that keep on giving.

Wild parties and orgies have been reported as Rudolph wanted to get his groove on before take off. It isn’t clear who was the lucky recipient, but we know someone is in for a shock when its delivery time. Bertha thinks Hillary knows who the daddy is, but isn’t telling. Reports coming out of Russia have Bill as one in the running. Puppy thinks its Donald and Ivanka. Lucy you have some splaining to do.

So what does Santa plan to do with those caught with their pants down? Will he bring them tax deductions, or indictments? Puppy is betting on the latter. Those caught hitting on children and young women will get spankings, but not from the ladies, from guys named Butch. Prison orange and gray have been ordered for those on the naughty list, and vacations to the Caribbean have been cancelled. Instead, they will be house bound and forced to watch Dancing with the Stars. Santa thinks that is punishment enough.

Will Santa have his usual cookies and hot chocolate on his flight? If Mrs. Claus does not lose her food stamps, anything is possible. Reindeer will have to be given gluten-free oats which is making them very cranky. They plan to stash and carry, and Puppy isn’t telling. Though it is only a month away, nobody is taking any chances, and things are subject to change. Sheep will keep you posted.

For now, sheep want all of you to enjoy the holidays, don’t over spend, and remember, they are just things. You can’t shag them, and you cannot romp them.

 

Bertha Tackles Black Friday….

Yes it is that time of year again, the time when humans, politicos and sheep dare to shop on Black Friday. Of course we know sheep shop for different things, but the struggle to maintain one’s grasp on a popular item is no different from what politicos deal with.

Bertha is sporting her shopping attire. That is, one sturdy pair of tennis shoes with steel toes, as if she needed them. She has a jacket designed to protect from those who might try to deflate her implants, front and back, has super glued her wig onto her head to avoid a weave war. Then there are the gloves, she is wearing leather over her hooves to give that firm grip needed to grab that bike pump used for titty inflation. In short, she is ready to tackle anyone and anything. Puppy is a little safer as his only desire is to grab the latest melons, squash, bleach bottles, carrots, and cigars. He just wants to sneak in, grab them and run.

Politicos are not as prepared as sheep. They have tax plans on the table, with the usual swing your partner routine. We know who will grab for the turkey, but who will want the green jello? Nobody wants the jello and it just ends up in a soupy mess, at the end of the table. If they expect all of their members to go after the turkey, will they also accept the jello? Will they be forced to accept the canned yams, or will they scrap the entire mess and get a pizza? Congress will probably accept the entire buffet, but then have to sell the rest to the senate, who have already said, they want neither. They want raccoon.

The public will be less fortunate. They will be left with the dregs, having to make do with the jello, the canned yams, and god forbid that sticky, slimy, orange stuff nobody recognizes. Yes we are talking taxes. Humans who are wealthy will get the cream of the crop, while the middle class will have to bend over, ask for how long and far, and accept the lack of deductions they may file. Poor humans will just get reamed, have to take it at both ends, without the ability to say “NO” to the Jello.

So, to help with the agony of the entire tax debacle, humans put themselves thru the unthinkable. Black Friday has become the Novocaine that helps take the sting out of daily events of Trump. Bertha is ready with her flack jacket to take on anyone who fights her for the tushy cream, bike pump, wigs, implants that others will fight to the death to obtain. They have never had to go up against Bertha, as she is willing to use all means to get the others to let go. This includes flaunting them, mooning anyone who gets in front of her, biting, and if necessary, giving a good, swift, kick in the toucas.

Puppy is along for the ride, and is not willing to share his produce with anyone. The idea of having someone else grab his squash is just unthinkable, even for the little guy. If “Melons” gets in the way, he will just go for a ride, slap them silly and need a cigar for later. He knows if she tries to report it, she is incapable of giving the police a straight answer, will drive them crazy with her half-baked responses, and end up groped and alone.

So Bertha wants to know, is it worth the grabbing, groping, biting and kicking? You bet. Those bargain items can’t be found anywhere else, or can they? Can two totally different political sides offer the same item, one that is better for the masses than the other? If Trump tries to intercede, will he end up with the Jello, or become the holiday rogue Turkey nobody wants. Bertha thinks the idea of trying to offer a buffet before the holidays without the benefit of compromise is uncouth. Whether its tax plans, healthcare, toucas or titty inflation, there has to be something for everyone.

Of course we will hear of the fights, biting, mooning, shot-gun wars, and that is just with Bertha. The walk outs will be many, the hisses and middle fingers will be seen, heard and nobody will get what they want, but end up with what they need. With all Black Friday wars, we know nobody comes out alive.